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You could try something like ActiveDen (add dot com after). Look for a player you like, and if you need customization talk to the author. There's VideoPlayerFactory (add dot com) which creates basic customized Flash players based on your choice of options. Kickapps.com generates customizing code for hosted players.
The major players - JW Player and Flowplayer - are highly configurable, and maybe some of the customizing you want can be done through that method. Depends on what you're needing.
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