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Industry Role:
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 509
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Just Fucking Funny..
"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together."
"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice."
"Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit."
"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."
"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."
"Calm down. You don?t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.'
"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."
"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son."
"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole."
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."
"Don?t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don?t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
"Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies."
"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."
"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
"Fine, let?s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain?t so fun when it fucks you, huh?'
"Fucking Radio Shack. It's a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don't just walk around all day with shit in their pants."
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."
"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."
"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal."
"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."
"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."
"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old."
"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"
"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."
"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over."
"I just don't wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I'm plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can't say."
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."
"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."
"I wouldn't worry about money...No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn't worry, cause you'd just piss it away."
"I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it"
"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
"I'm sitting in one of those TGI Friday's places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth."
"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"
"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."
"It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening."
"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit."
"It?s Los Angeles, son. It?s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They?d fuck you twice if they had another dick.'
"I?m not sure you can call that roughing it, son? Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.'
"Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat."
"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"
"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$
"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"
"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."
"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
"Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"
"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you."
"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."
"No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."
"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you."
"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?"
"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"
"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it."
( all quoted from http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays )
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