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Industry Role:
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 509
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cont...
"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."
"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.
"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."
"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."
"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."
"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."
"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."
"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."
"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."
"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle."
"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."
"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit."
"The whole world is fueled by bullshit? What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I?m giving it to him.'
"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."
"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't."
"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you're in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It's like a T-rex that shit himself."
"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit."
"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."
"We?re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it?s okay to hump, and it?s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
"What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man."
"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot."
"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."
"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."
"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."
"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there."
"Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."
"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."
"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."
"You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit."
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don?t get to have the dog without the dog shit. "
"You seen my cell phone?...What?s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It?s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
"You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it?.I don?t give a shit about your evidence, this isn?t a court of law."
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."
"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."
"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."
"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."
"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you."
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
"Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it's fiction, and it's about some idiot.
"You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up."
(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat."
"I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem."
"If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck."
"Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer."
( all quoted from http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays )
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