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Just make your date (her?) laugh. You're a master at humor, and shouldn't need any help in the department.
For example, tell her to hurry up so you the two of you can arrive at the restaurant sooner rather than later, because you can't wait to get fatter. And if you happen to die from a heart attack during dinner, for her to just nonchalantly walk away from your corpse so she won't have to deal with the situation or answer questions. The fact that your corpse will still be chewing food will make it not immediately obvious that you've died at the dinner table, which will buy her some get-away time.
Tell her about how you're so fat that you'll need to be buried in a fat grave. And how there's no way to move that amount of dirt in enough time, to form a fat-enough grave hole, before your fat corpse turns into a no-fat-having skeleton.
Watch her try not to laugh out of fear of being rude. All the while, you're laughing at your own jokes. Which doesn't help her control herself. She tells you to stop laughing, which only makes you laugh more. Finally, she loses that inner-war with herself when she can no longer help but to laugh with you.
Then she becomes angry at you for putting her in that dilemma. You laugh at her for being angry over something so silly, which again put her in that try-not-to-laugh-out-of-fear-of-being-rude dilemma.
As for me, even if I didn't get laid, at least I'd know I had a good laugh out of the date. I wouldn't want to waste further time on someone who obviously has no sense of humor.
Good luck, and may the poo be with you.
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