ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE
St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the
2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the
other 98% completely shitfaced.
Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.
Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and
liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant
and powders afterwards,
because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol
and other poisons, and without proper preparations,
you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
fraternity carpet.
The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.
Collect the following supplies and put them in a place
where you will easily be able to
find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the
bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard
heater, since that's where you'll
probably end up:
1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon
Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish
whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk
liberally throughout the day. There
is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee;
unless you ingest a large volume of artificial
stimulants throughout the course of St.
Patrick's Day, you are going to die.
Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by
8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not
drink and drive. There is no reason
to chance losing your license or killing someone in a
drunken state when you have plenty of idiot "friends"
willing to take that risk on
your behalf.
Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.
Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this
is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in
Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in
Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every
city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone,
McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore
the fact that the bar is probably owned
by Koreans.
Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any
circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon,
and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks,
no matter what the consequences. While we do
recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask
unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By
afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely
overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.
We recommend starting out with a few more Irish
Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you
should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be
given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped
cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will
call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette
out on your neck. Ask for coffee with
whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped
cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like
the occasional whippet.
Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.
It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's
important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart
said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and
don't eat, he is going to die."
If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that
hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your
drinking, there are only two
options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the
carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both
will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both
have names that are hard to slur. If you start
slurring your words too early, you'll hear the second
most frightening phrase in the English language on St.
Patrick's Day: "You're cut off". [The most firghtening
phrase? As on all other days, it is simply "I'm
pregnant," especially when followed by "It's
definitely yours."]
By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to
beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout.
You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember:
beer doesn't always turn green because of food
coloring.
Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.
By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take
long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one
on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should
look two to three times as crowded as it really is.
By now, you may be in conversation with some real
Irish people, since the person you came with has
likely been taken away by ambulance.
Some conversational points to remember when talking
to the Irish are:
Football really means Soccer, and you should be more
passionate about it than you are about your wife or
husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed,
pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and
kicked into the Liffey.
If you remember those two points, as well at least
three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can
talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to
drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you
may want to have another Irish Coffee if your
heartbeat has become
irregular.
The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing
Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to
leave the bar at closing time. This will be
impossible, since a blood alcohol content
of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing
a .35 or .40 by
now.
The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before
closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the
police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit
or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,
anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your
fine motor control has been gone since the late
morning, but it doesn't matter since you
can't feel anything.
Depending on your community, the police should arrive
within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and
clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is
the most important: as you are being dragged
from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take
your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by
now the friend who took you to the bar should have
had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to
bail you out.
By following these simple guidelines, your St.
Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never
forget if it weren't physically,biologically impossible
for you to remember any of it. Tune in next
month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons
of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.
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