This post may seem out of place here on GFY but I have recently experienced a life changing moment of clarity and wanted to share it with as many people as possible...
I have had a problem for about 17 years now (since I was in my mid to late teens). It's a problem that I somehow created in my mind and it grew to be a monster. The problem was, I was a type of perfectionist. Most people that I'd read about as being perfectionists were somewhat successful because they gave their best to everything they did. But it had a different effect on me. It stopped me from doing anything. I felt that if I didn't do something exactly perfect, even on the very first attempt, then I was shit. I pretty much wound up laying extreme amounts of guilt and anxiety on myself. As more and more time has passed, I have found it nearly impossible to work on projects for more then 2 days at a time. Something would interfere and I would shut down and stop working. I have always had the desire to be a better person in every way and would make up these rules to live by that dealt with every part of my life, but with my perfectionist personality, I could barely get started without throwing in the towel. I was totally unforgiving on myself with any "screwup". This problem has affected everything in my life, from parenthood to my business aspirations and everything in between. I was my own worst enemy.
Where did it start, Im not exactly sure. I used to read a lot when I was younger about musicians who spent countless hours perfecting their technique. I think I may have picked up a lot of the problem from that era in my life. (I did give up playing music quite a few years back)
But, recently I read an article in a magazine about people who self destruct and how the guy simply just allowed himself to make mistakes and live with himself not being perfect, not giving himself a hard time about it. Also the fact that everyone experiences this to some degree, even people who are already successful. Something so simple never occured to me because I had never really analyzed the root of my problem. I always thought that maybe I just wasn't meant to be successful at anything. I was surrounded by people who didn't seem to have any drive in their lives (at my day job). I wondered what was wrong with me that I had all this drive and still couldnt make it happen. And I swear to God, as soon as I read that article and thought to myself, "hey maybe I should try..." I felt about 1000 pounds of shit lift off my shoulders. It was gone just like that. I am simply amazed at all the things in my life that I can apply this to now and am shocked that I never saw it through the haze. I know I wont undo all the years worth of damage in
any short amount of time but I'm just extremely happy to have discovered an answer.
I have been in this business since late 2000. I have done ok, but if I had a gallery that didnt sell or a site where I couldn't build the traffic, I would just check out for a week or so and spend my days reading the boards. (I did learn a lot by doing that tho
). When I got my head back in the game I would "start over" and thus the vicious circle. One thing I am proud of tho, is that I never gave up completely. I always had faith in myself. After 17 years or so I am still here trying to push forward. I haven't turned to drugs or booze. My motivation has always been extremely high and I have written down and saved all my ideas over the years. I have given a lot of thought to what I want to do right now in life and whether this is the path I want to be on. And it most certainly is.
So, why do I post this here? Basically I wanted to announce my rebirth into the world
Ive got a lot of time to make up for. I have a lot of ideas to put into motion and I plan on putting a big ass dent in this business. I plan on moving forward and achieving all the goals I have set for myself in this business. So keep an eye out for that dust cloud in your rear view mirror (Lightspeed, Bradshaw, MarcDe, etc)
Thanks for listening!