Best of Craigslist.. Beat it.

[MrMaxwell]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...755781713.html

BEAT IT WITH A REAL JO-BRO - m4m


Date: 2010-05-23, 5:13PM EDT

I'm a serious bro looking for a equally/more serious bro with fancy footwork. The idea is to tie our wrists together ala the "Beat It" video and then each JO/knife fight in a profound spiritual act of consensual hetero awesomeness. I would have done this way sooner but have little faith in humanity.

Requirements:
-access to an abandoned warehouse
-old enough/built kinda awesome
-maintains good eye contact
-general intensity
-cool moves
-shades
-leather jackets ( I had to give the one in the pic back - long story, I can tell you when we finish)
-Bedazzler
-basic knowledge of knife/sword/bat fight etiquette (I can teach you what I know if you are pretty serious about art like me)
-can lift 80 lbs
-bachelor's in something or equivalent experience
-not a narc

Whereas dudes/J-ing O are both undeniably awesome, I'm a straight bro. As in not gay. I just really love MJ and being open minded about new JO scenarios. We will basically play "Beat It" over and over again while we JO and dance, occasionally parrying/thrusting. Winner finishes the most times, but points will be awarded for finishing first/accuracy. If you're the heter-bro I'm looking for, then we can JO furiously/competitively and then just hang or whatever. I've got laser tag too. I'm pretty serious about this. As in completely serious. If you touch my junk with anything but your own I will BF you in the M. Nerds/gays need not apply. I'M NOT GAY.

P.S. - And I've gotten with hot chicks as recently as just now.

"They told him don't you ever come around here
Don't wanna see your face, you better disappear
The fire's in their eyes and their words are really clear
So beat it, just beat it"

[MrMaxwell]

To the woman who hit my car... - m4w

Date: 2009-11-15, 5:24PM EST

You were the woman who rear ended my car on Patton Ave at 2am last night. You were in a red Camry and I was in the blue Neon. You said you didn't have insurance and "really couldn't afford this right now". We pulled our cars into the empty K-Mart parking lot and began to discuss the best way to handle this situation. While we were talking I couldn't help but notice your low cut shirt and you caught me looking, gave me a smile, and we both agreed to settle this matter "like adults". That was truly one of the best blowjobs I've ever had. I wish I knew your name!

[MrMaxwell]

These never get old
Ha ha HA

[CaptainHowdy]

Loneliest thread ever ...

[Atticus]

I WILL WALK YOUR DOG (Upper East Side)

Date: 2011-03-25, 5:04PM EDT
Reply To This Post

HEY RICH-ASS DOG OWNERS:

Are you at the office 23 hours a day in a coke-fueled effort to squeeze every last penny out of your 20s and 30s?

Are you going out of town with your post-divorce trophy-girlfriend to visit your slave ship collection in the Barbados?

Do you work for a corporation that received TARP money?

I AM YOUR DOG-WALKER.

I am the most radical, bitchin', mind-blowing dog-walking experience in all of New York City. All dogs are STOKED when I'm around, regardless of breed or sex. Your dog is gonna be on me like Charlie Sheen on a porn star made of amphetamines; when I'm ascending toward your penthouse suite in your private elevator, bitch's nipples are gonna be ROCK HARD.

Do I have experience walking dogs?

I'M A HUMAN BEING, OF COURSE I HAVE EXPERIENCE WALKING DOGS. THIS ISN'T LINEAR ALGEBRA, FOLKS; IT'S DOG-WALKING.

Are you thinking you want someone with better credentials, someone that's been vetted by one of those fancy-schmancy agencies with a dumb-ass pun for a name?

FLIP THE SWITCH: I went to Princeton University, I got a 1600 on my SATs, and now, for 15 bucks an hour, your precious little dog can be my f*cking master.

Are you one of those prototypical American success stories who worked your way up from nothing to live the dream, and now you want to gloat over an Ivy League grad who has been reduced to posting a dog-walking classified on skeezy-ass Craigslist?

You can shadow me while I walk! Take pictures of my pathetic face as I handle your dog's feces with nothing but a plastic bag over my hand! I'll wear my Princeton lettermen's sweater! I might even cry!

Forget the agencies; I will walk your dog for less money, and I'm not some weirdo art school dropout who claims to be "in sub-verbal communication" with your dog.

I'M JUST A GUY WHO WANTS YOUR MONEY AND WILL WALK YOUR DOG TO GET IT.

Do I do overnights?

YOU BET YOUR BOATHOUSE, BUDDY!

I will sleep in your sweet-ass apartment and tend to your dog while doing it. Don't want my poor-person skin sullying your ostrich-feather sheets? I'll sleep on the floor! Don't want my poor-person hair secreting oils all over the pearl-white tiles? I'll sleep in the crate with the dog! Sh*t, as long as I'm allowed to turn on the heat, I'll curl up in a ball and sleep in your sink WHILE THE WATER RUNS OVER MY NAKED BODY!

Am I going to steal your jewelry? No, I'm not. Am I going to jack your electronics? No way, man. Am I gonna eat some of your food? Probably, but nothing you'll miss, maybe an apple.

I'M NOT ABOUT TO TAKE A BATH IN YOUR FOIE GRAS, MONEYBAGS.

I'm a good guy, and I'm just looking to make a little extra cash by chaperoning your dog around your stupid white bread sidewalks. So if you're interested in the dopest, most swagged-out LEGEND OF THE UNIVERSE dog-walking champion of New York City, reply to this ad and we'll get started in making your dog happier than a Mormon on his honeymoon.

So act now, write me. I'm excited to meet you and your dog, and I am sure as motherf*cking c*cksucking sh*t that your dog is excited to meet me, too.

Serious inquiries only, please.

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > portland > I hate what America has become
Originally Posted: Wed, 28 Oct 21:58 PDT
I hate what America has become

Date: 2009-10-28, 9:58PM PDT

There are so many reasons that frankly, it's hard to pick a place to start:


First of all.....when 28% of you brain dead fucking morons give a blithering IDIOT like Sarah Palin positive approval ratings and think she ought to run for president in 2012, it really makes me sick to know I am lumbered with that many mouth-breathing Cro-Magnons I unfortunately have to consider as my fellow countrymen....trust me.....I don't. You motherfuckers are beyond help.


And before you go thinking this is a "liberal" based rant.....that brings me to one more item on an ever-lengthening list.


This "Liberal" versus "Conservative" paradigm that so many of you simple dunces buy into.....as BOTH parties sell you out to the multinational corporations, banks and special interests that actually run Washington D.C.).....you do this STUPID dance every day, blithely detatched from the reality that YOU YOURSELF are helping to DIVIDE AND CONQUER the nation, as you myopically beat your little Hannity/Olberman drum of FUTILE self -righteous indignation. PATHETIC.


THIS is a nation of PUSSIES AND FUCKING COWARDS. If this nation had any BALLS WHATSOEVER, there would be a trail of DEAD MEN SWINGING FROM THE ENDS OF ROPES leading from AIG, thru WALL STREET, the not-so "Federal" reserve, the 9/11 commission, and right through every other set-up con-job you people just buy into like a bunch of CATTLE BEING LED TO SLAUGHTER.


It's not that Americans don't give a fuck.....every misled, misdirected group that goes out and crusades for the "Grand Cause" they think is responsible for the decimation of this ONCE great nation proves that.....the problem IS that the problem ISN'T illegal aliens (i.e. Minutemen) or Democrats in Washington (i.e. Teabaggers) or conservative policies (i.e. Code Pink).......the problem is ...... AMERICANS THEMSELVES.


AMERICANS have sat on THEIR ASSES while Washington and the Pentagon have BANKRUPTED THE TREASURY and sent our sons and daughters into MEAT GRINDERS in Iraq and Afghanistan for WMD's and connections to 9/11 that did NOT EXIST and even AFTER the overwhelming evidence that the intel was "swept all up" (doctored, falsified, unreliable) you STUPID SHEEP keep buying into the BRAIN DEAD notion that somehow, these wars are for the FREEDOM of America.


You're an IDIOT. They're wars for EMPIRE.


Your son's and daughter's BLOOD is being used as OIL to grease an evil, out of control WAR MACHINE....Your money and financial security is being DEVOURED by Wall St. and the Federal Reserve, with collusion from YOUR ELECTED REPRESENTATIVES, and your standard of living is slowly eroding into a two-class system as the middle class is being FORCED INTO EXTINCTION......


......and you do NOTHING to stop ANY of it.


You ignorant FOOLS who send shotgun Emails to all your friends warning of "death panels" and other such HEALTH INSURANCE INDUSTRY PROPAGANDA, yes, you friggin' GOMERS actually think the Health Insurance Industry has your best interests in mind, and it's "dat mean ol' gubmint" that wants to penalize you by providing your family health care that isn't profit-based.


MEDICARE only got passed because it effectively REMOVED the highest-risk group to the insurance providers (the elderly) from the 'pool' of prospective insurees, thereby minimizing their financial exposure. It's completely lost on most people that catastrophic illness is the main reason for personal bankruptcy....and that 75% of those who had to file HAD health insurance.


And this is the 'status quo' many of you are defending. You are BEYOND dense.


America has lost it's HONOR, as well as it's collective senses. I don't wish upon America any malice or catastrophe.....trust me, this is happening with assistance and collusion from the top down, not from some Arab in a cave. I just want to leave peacefully and live in a place that doesn't have leaders that hope for a "catastrophic and catalyzing event" to promote a war agenda that takes pride in kicking the shit out of unarmed peasants living in the dirt....then blames them for retaliating. Can't wait to see this dysfunctional madhouse in my rear view mirror.


When you abide by a system of government that you FULLY EXPECT will side AGAINST YOU and WITH corporate lobbyists (MANY of whom represent interests that are not even from the USA) who BRIBE THEM WITH BALES OF CASH....and are working 24/7 to maximize their profits and minimize their potential competition in the marketplace.....all at the expense of you and your family....and don't lift a FINGER to do ANYTHING TO CHANGE IT......you fucking DESERVE WHAT'S COMING. What might that be.....?


Think Germany and the treaty of Versailles.....when a wheelbarrow full of Deutschmarks is what it took to buy a MEAL.


WHEN the dollar collapses.....not IF, WHEN.....THAT'S when you'll really begin to see the true definition of FASCISM. The unity of government and corporations to economically and militarily control it's people. History WILL repeat itself....but if you're like so many of the morons in the USA who think they're so smart but don't know SHIT.....it will all be NEW TO YOU. Good luck.....you'll need it.


This is the most ARROGANT nation in EXISTANCE, second only to ISRAEL....and since ALL of our politicians are falling over backwards to kiss Israel's ASS on a daily basis, fully knowing that exposing any inconvenient TRUTH about them equals political SUICIDE....that and the mass media in America that feeds it's daily ration of BULLSHIT is controlled by individuals biased towards them as well....ANYONE who thinks they know what is going on because they read TIME magazine and watch CNN, FOX news OR MSNBC.....you are DELUSIONAL.


One nation under God....? What a JOKE.


MONEY is God here pal....even people who are reading this who hate the words I typed KNOW this is true. What does it say in your bible about the love of money? The root of all evil, no?


How DARE this nation question human rights abuses of other nations after Abu Ghraib and countless other bombing and torture campaigns, where it was stated it is passable to crush the testicles of young boys in front of their fathers to extract information.


How DARE this nation deign to be the world's nuclear police when WE are the only nation to ever USE NUKES.


MOST of you actually consider Palestinians as TERRORISTS, when it is THEY who have been occupied, imprisoned behind 25 foot high concrete walls and denied basic human decency by APARTHEID ISRAEL. Those of you who get your info from American media REMAIN IGNORANT OF THE TRUTH.


You're probably wondering if I'm some Arab, or other person hostile to "America's Freedoms" lol.... Yeah, you're really free here.......


Free to go BANKRUPT if you get sick, even if you HAVE HEALTH INSURANCE.


Free to vote on DIEBOLD voting machines that can flip elections and leave no paper trail.


Free to watch your life savings DWINDLE AND EVAPORATE into the pockets of the ROBBER BARONS you PATRONIZE.


Free to watch your JOB get shipped to CHINA....and then you fucking FOOLS buy the goods PRODUCED FORM THOSE JOBS at Wal Mart, further REWARDING AND ENCOURAGING businesses to CONTINUE this pattern. I have never bought a fucking THING from Wal-Mart, and if you have.....you are a simple, stupid FUCKSTICK.


You're free to be video monitored, photographed by the millisecond at traffic light traps, electronically surveiled, searched with no warrant, shaken down and partially disrobed at airports, free to be told how much shampoo you are allowed to carry in your luggage, free to buy processed foods that give you cancer, genetically altered vegetables that contain neat things like INSECT DNA, free to pay more than ANY OTHER COUNTRY ON THE PLANET for pharmeceuticals, free to be the pharmaceutical company's guinea pig for drugs that have potentially catastrophic side effects, free to have PUBLIC POLICY DICTATED TO YOU by government 'officials' that have dual citizenship with ISRAEL, free to have ANY MEANINGFUL TRUTH WITHHELD FROM YOU by the mass media......


.....and free to be one of the ONE OUT OF EVERY HUNDRED AMERICANS living in PRISON.


Land of the free, home of the brave??


More like land of the SHEEP and home of the SLAVE.


it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests


Location: Repost
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 1442403975

[RyuLion]

OMFGgggggggg!

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > minneapolis > Sex duel with the neighbors
Originally Posted: Mon, 26 Oct 15:52 CDT
Sex duel with the neighbors

Date: 2009-10-26, 3:52PM CDT

My girlfriend and I live below you. A while back, we were waking up one morning to some weird noises. Kind of like some squeaks at a pretty even pace; I thought it was a ceiling fan or something. Well, it only took a minute to figure out what was really going on. The female moans helped to narrow down the possibilities, and the long deep groan at the conclusion of the session pretty much sealed it. We heard you having sex� we giggled and were kind of embarrassed but wouldn�t you know it, it got my girl in the mood and we began having sex too. Now, my girlfriend has a pretty neat sense of humor, so to make things more interesting she started making some noises exactly like we heard coming from above. Taking her cue, when I delivered the goods I managed to let out a beast of a man-groan that shook the foundation of our apartment. We had to put pillows over our faces to muffle the laughter.

The next time we heard you, we couldn�t help but join in. We started before you were even finished. When we heard things from above, we would beckon a response. Soon we were trying to push the envelope and totally out-do you, with moans and cries and screams of pleasure that I�m sure probably caused some commotion. It became sort of a fun contest for us to out-sex you, making sure we lasted longer and were much louder than you. We would do it against the wall hoping that you could feel the pounding. Apparently we had some sort of competitive drive that we really fed off. It was fun.

Then one time we were in the process of out-doing you when we heard massive noise from above. We paused for a second to get a better listen. What we heard was indescribable.

It sounded as if the entire cast of Cirque du Soleil was upstairs having an orgy; trapeze, elephants and all. We were astonished. Were you returning fire? Had our little game turned into a contest? Were we losing? What was going on up there? How could two people make so much noise? Or did you contract in some outside help?

We had to regroup. We brainstormed possible ways to gain the upper hand. We could only do so much with our voices, and it wasn�t fair because you have the obvious advantage of being upstairs. Needless to say, we came up with some ideas.

Yesterday morning we heard you two starting to go at it. My girlfriend took off her shirt and mounted me (I must say that her competitiveness is attractive and scary at the same time). What followed was some of the craziest sex we�ve had. Headboard slamming, yelling, squeals of pleasure, cries of pain and anger, hi-profile spanking. We grabbed a broomstick and started hitting the ceiling with it as we fucked like crazy.

You, however, were just as impressive, and we could hear the craziness above us as we pushed ourselves to be as wild as possible. Soon we heard you yell words like �HARDER!� and my girl would yell back �DEEPER!� which would soon be followed by �FUCK ME!� which we would reply �FUCK MY ASS!�

It was at this point when I had a mental image that would result in this note being written. I imagined what we must all look like having sex at the same time, yelling, pounding the floor and ceiling. We were basically participating in group sex! What started out as a small competition had gotten way out of control. What did our neighbors think? I couldn�t help but start to laugh.

We give up. You win. You win the sex duel. It�s been fun, and I am grateful to you for keeping my sex life interesting, but I just don�t have the strength mentally and physically to continue. Now let�s all just go back to having normal sex.

Respectfully,

Your downstairs neighbor (maybe we�ll meet in person sometime)

[Kiopa_Matt]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...533217064.html

We were hitting it off at first and even shared a New Years kiss. You were pretty hot and had a sexy accent. I would have gone home with you (hey, it's new years!) had you not turned out to be such an obnoxious creep. I don't know how it works in Ireland, but here are a few tips for us in Canada.

1. The way to a girls heart is not to ask her if she is a lesbian simply because she doesn't enjoy your stumbly smelly drunk friend trying to grind with her when she is completely sober and there is no one else dancing.
2. The way to a girls heart is not to point out your hard-on to her every five seconds. Yes, I know it's there and yes it's mildly flattering. But we don't need to keep talking about it. Maybe you could have offered to buy me a drink or tell me I was pretty.
3. The way to a get a girl to come home with you is not to angrily storm into coat check, pushing over the rack of coats, cutting in front of a huge line of people and loudly demanding "THIS CHICKS COAT RIGHT NOW PLEASE BECAUSE WE HAVE SOMETHING TO TAKE CARE OF KNOW WHAT I MEAN OI?"
4. And...when I was taking care of my friend who was puking....it was so nice to have you there beside us in the alley, staring at us and asking me if "she was done yet" when I clearly already told you that you had blown your chances and that I was going to stay with my friend. Thanks for coming back multiple times and staring at us from around the corner when you thought we weren't looking. That's class right there.
5. Coming up to me later and yelling "IM GONNA FUCK YOUR FACE" was also much appreciated, the cherry on top of an otherwise excellent night!!!!11

The sad thing is the jerk who this is meant for probably won't see this ad and will continue sexually harrassing women during his stay in our country, but maybe someone else could use the pointers.
Regardless, I had a pretty good time on NYE. It was nice to go out and spend it in the company of my best friend even though she was sick. You know who you are, love you!

[MrMaxwell]

These are cracking me up like christ on a cracker talking to nude nuns

[MrMaxwell]

Well as much as I hate god damned assholes with barking dogs, or garbage who lets their dog shit somewhere I'll see it/walk in it... this bitch needs to be tortured to *****.. I pissed on my exes dog, once. But come on, shitting on a dog? That's just ... disgusting!!!! He should **** the bitch!! NO PUN INTENDED HA
HA

HA!!!


best of craigslist > los angeles > She shit on my dog!!
Originally Posted: Tue, 4 Jan 15:43 PST
She shit on my dog!!

Date: 2005-01-04, 3:43PM PST

I came home from work today and walked into the kitchen and noticed some brown streaky stains on the tile. Being the neat freak that I am I bent over to have a better look, that's when it hit me. Mud doesn't have hair in it. Upon closer inspection in became readily apparent that it was shit, not just any shit but nasty brown shit. Now where could this have come from? Who would track shit across my tile? My first thought was my dog. He wasn't supposed to be in the house but maybe he got in, had some shit on his paw from the backyard and tracked it across the floor. So I go looking, around the corner in the laundry room is more shit, on the floor, on the wall, on my laundry basket. I follow it back towards my office, more shit stains on the floor. As I reach the office I can see shit on the white carpet leading back towards my desk. As I bend down I hear my dog whimpering. This is getting really weird now. He's under the desk and wont come out. I have to pull him out by his collar. As he is coming out the smell hits me. Shit, nasty I ate taco bell kind of shit, and he's covered in it!@ What the fuck is going on here? How could he have been covered in shit? How could he cover himself in shit? Rolled in it? Fell in it? What. So I'm pissed. Washing the dog, washing the house, everything.

An hour later I'm sitting on the couch with my newly washed and obviously relived dog and I see a note on the coffee table. It's from Julie, my girlfriend.

It reads. Kevin, went out back to see what the dog was barking at, stepped in his shit on the side walk and slipped and fell in it. I was so mad I went in the house, shit in a paper plate, and rubbed it all over him. Have fun cleaning it up fucker. You and your fucking dog can go to hell.

Julie

[kane]

This is probably my all time favorite one:

We met on Craigslist so I am hoping that this post finds you. I know that it could quite possibly be the most humiliating first date that you have ever been on, but I am willing to look past that.

I thought we had chemistry sitting at McMenamins sharing that basket of Cajun Tots while drinking the Terminator Stout. I really felt like there was a connection there. I found you to be intelligent and witty and looked forward to further conversation with you.

At some point in life, everyone has gambled on a fart and lost. It just happened to be on a first date in the passenger seat of my car. Please don’t feel bad. The package I sent you with Pepto the next day and the note that said “First dates are always a crap shoot. Call me” was meant to be funny, not offensive.

I have gambled on a fart and lost on multiple occasions. The first time I did it was very memorable. It happened when I was five and sitting on my uncle's lap. I am lactose intolerant, but love cheese. I probably win 95% of the time, but I don't think anyone wins 100% of the time. That's why they call it "gambling". I'm the last person to judge you for crapping your pants. In fact, I am impressed by your boldness. The timing on the other hand, could have been a tad bit better...like when you're not sitting on a heated leather seat...

What I am trying to say is that if you want to go out again, I would be more than happy to take you someplace where we can get a meal that is high in fiber and less taxing on the digestive tract.

I await your call,
Tad

P.S. - If you shat yourself on purpose to end the evening early…Touché…

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

best of craigslist > anchorage > couple looking for another hot girl - mw4w

Originally Posted: Tue, 6 Jan 23:57 AKST

couple looking for another hot girl - mw4w

come join us and make it a threesome



Location: anch
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
PostingID: 983394945

ADG

[DWB]

Just for the freak of the whole thing, I'd JO with that dude, Jackson style.

[MrMaxwell]

Originally Posted by DWB

Just for the freak of the whole thing, I'd JO with that dude, Jackson style.

That's bad news

[Jake]

Now this is just religious hypocrisy at it's finest: http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...965721396.html


911** Chevy van stolen from storage shed!


1986 Chevy conversion van stolen from my shed in Springfield on Sunday.
DESCRIPTION: dark grey color, side and back rear windows covered in silver duck tape, and sprayed
over with black spray paint.
**I was planning on turning it into bus for my church, that's why the windows look like that.
people know me would back me up on that so I'm not worried about it.

VERY PERSONAL private, personal items inside
1- two sets of police-style handcuffs... very valuable. steel locks. I have the key ,so you can't use them anyway, I would really love to have these back for sentimentel reasons.
2- There might also be some old magazines too maybe, but they aren't mine.
My neighbor asked me to store them inside of my van so his wife wouldn'tcatch him looking at them, they are not mine, but I would like them back so he doesn't get in any kind of trouble for looking at that sort of thing. We all sin, but god knows our heart! (corinthians 5-17)

**There is some home-made like VCR tapes too that aren't mine. believe me, I go to church all the time, and people who know me will tell you that I would NEVER look at stuff like that,
but it would be real nice if I could just return them to their rightful owner so people don't think I look
at crap like that. God knows that I don't and that's what's important.
Please let me know if you have seen this vehicle!! This really hurt my plans for the weekend
any information would be appreciated! God Bless!

Location: Springfield
it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

[book-mark]

rofl. these are awesome

[FlexxAeon]

Originally Posted by MrMaxwell

... I've got laser tag too....

oh lets DO this!

[damnage]

Oh my......

Some of these are hilarious :D

[Black All Through]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

ADG

LMFAO!

[Dvae]

Originally Posted by DWB

Just for the freak of the whole thing, I'd JO with that dude, Jackson style.

I vote for "Lorena Bobbit" style.

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > san diego > cock shot etiquette
Originally Posted: Sat, 22 Aug 21:50 PDT
cock shot etiquette

Date: 2009-08-22, 9:50PM PDT

since so many guys post cock shots on CL, i thought i'd offer some advice from a woman's perspective on how to do it right. or better. first, have good lighting. maybe a soft glow or indirect light. it's pleasing to the eye. make sure you don't have alot of riff raff in the shot. after all, this is the pic that is going to make the ladies run to you. you know, get us in the mood because nothing turns a girl on more than your 9" tool and promises of all nighters. the riff raff you want to hide is your dirty laundry laying all over the bedroom floor, your twin bed, your roomies twin bed, trash, beer cans, bongs and please hide the many computer/tv cables snaking all around your student desk. also, we don't really want to see your tighty whities bunched down around your junk, your hairy gut or thighs or any kind of measuring device proving your inches. (to the guy who posted his cock shot posed all rigid like next to a bud beer can for measuring purposes or proof of his commoner status: way to rock the comedy world!) nor do we want to see your pants laying all around your feet so we can see your tool from above. this really makes the tube socks the issue at hand and you don't want that. the most important thing to keep in mind is location! i am begging you, as a lover of the 'big one', do not pose your dick over the toilet. we don't really want to see your bathroom shower doors or towels either. in fact, stay out of the bathroom. you guys need to think outside the box if you want to get in the box. be creative! pose your tool on black velvet. pose it on sheep skin. pose it with a piece of jewelry draping it's girth. oh! pose it with hundreds! pose it with keys to your jag or bmw m6 or 7 series dangling off the tip. if you have a prius or any kind of hybrid, don't use this method. wicked fast and expensive autos only. you see where i'm going? you can do so much more than this. women are tired of plain old cock shots. yeah, we love it, we want it bad, we want it 'all night long' (duh) but we need to see some creativity to get us to hit the reply button to 'hit you up'. i'm trying to help you boys get some..

Location: lookinatit

[MrMaxwell]

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...328888809.html
est of craigslist > portland > RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf!
Originally Posted: Mon, 17 Aug 22:17 PDT
RE:Husbands Ass Fetish; wtf!

Date: 2009-08-17, 10:17PM PDT

"Seriously. He wants to put it there and I won't let him. It is annoying and obnoxious and does not feel good. I am sick and tired of hearing about it. Is he a closet fag or what. What makes a man suddenly go on this kick. We have been married for years and now this comes out. I want to throw the ring at him and tell him to go find some dude to get off with. Butts are for gay guys and men with freakinshly small dicks.
How do I get him to lay off the ass thing?
FYI: I am not boring in bed, and am a 5'11" 150lb blond with a nice rack and usually don't have to pay for a thing when I go out on the town with the girls. You get my drift."

You're either a troll or you have several issues.
Or both, I guess.
You sound like an ex highschool jock in denial of his homosexual desires to me, but on the odd chance that you are, in fact, female, I'll offer this..

Anal sex has been practiced and enjoyed by people of all sexualities, genders, and penis sizes (including no penis, on the part of females who like to perform anal sex on men or other females) for thousands of years, and it's unlikely that will change just because some sexually repressed or prudish or unimaginative or overly sensitive people don't care for it.
It says nothing whatsoever about a man's sexual orientation that he wants to give a woman anal sex, or that he wants to receive it from her.
And it says nothing about the size of a man's cock, though it might very well say something about the size of the woman's cunt, since the anus can expand to fit almost anything, just like a pussy, as you could see by watching any number of ass fisting videos or, if you're so inclined, the ones of people getting fucked in the ass by horses with cocks as thick as your neck.
But unlike a pussy, the anus will always tighten back up afterward, except in very rare medical cases, and remain a tight fit without special exercises, so before you get too focused on size, maybe you should look at yourself and see if there's an obvious non-fetish reason he might be after your ass, such as you being so loose he can't feel anything, or could bury his dick in there with his hand still wrapped around it and jerk off inside you.

[edit]When I went to post this, the server was down for maintenance and I see that you've since responded that you've tried Kegel's, so maybe that's not an issue, but it was an obvious thing to guess, so you should have mentioned it in your original post.

Or, maybe he just wants something different, or maybe he's not thought much about it before and just found some good anal porn and is excited to try something new.
And maybe he is bored in bed, since, despite your claim of not being boring, people have their own opinions on such things and even wild bisexual nymphomaniac gangbangers can be boring.
I remember a porno with a girl getting fucked silly by two guys at once, and either in the video itself or in the bonus content, one of the guys turns to the camera and says "DP's (double penetrations) are boring.", and I thought.. damn, dude.. life is rough, huh... but I was at an orgy during a party one night at a student co-op in Eugene and got involved in a DP and at one point, sure enough, it was kind of boring, because the other dude and I kept throwing off each other's rhythm and had to stop right in the middle of everything and do some logistics calculations and finally decided one of us was going in her mouth and she'd get a toy stuck up whatever hole remained.
So, anyway, maybe you should ask him if he's bored in bed with you and why.
Maybe you should ask him a lot of things you aren't asking him, and tell him a lot of things you aren't telling him.
Maybe, like a lot of people, he just has a desire to do something "naughty".

Everybody's different, so you can't say "it does not feel good", because millions of people think it does, but you can say it doesn't feel good to you, and if that's really the case, you probably either have a medical, anatomical, or psychological problem or else he's doing it wrong, or if he hasn't done it yet, then whoever did it to you before was doing it wrong.
But, you know, I used to like carrots and hate baked beans, and now it's exactly the opposite.
Things change, and if you're too rigid and judgmental, you may end up missing out on enjoying things because of it.

My current girlfriend refused to even consider anal sex at first, because she'd had a bad experience in her past with some inconsiderate and inept dumbass that didn't go slow enough or didn't use enough lube or whatever, so I never pressured her or even really talked about it, despite the fact that I rather like it.
I did, however, make it a point to give her asshole a little kiss or lick while I was down there for other reasons, which I could tell she quite enjoyed, so that eventually progressed into lengthy sessions of me thoroughly devouring her ass and doing my best to get my entire tongue up in there, with her wriggling in ecstasy and climaxing from that alone, which is great foreplay for making her cum 5 or 10 more times by fucking her brains out.
I never so much as stuck a finger up her ass, but a few months ago she said she wanted to try anal sex with me, so we went and got some toys to help her work up to it and took it slow and finally got her to relax enough that I got the head of my cock in her without it hurting and we both had huge orgasms while she furiously rubbed her pussy.
Since then she's pretty much begged me to do it often and more thoroughly, and each time we get a little closer to full on butt fucking, but she still has trouble relaxing and she has some flexibility issues due to knee problems, so it's a little difficult to get and keep good positioning, which can lead to her tensing up and cutting off my circulation so much that I go limp and have to pull out, which is then sometimes painful and attempting to put it back in can be as well, so we usually just give up and move on to something else.
I'm thinking about getting her one of those "pleasure swings" so we can get her just where and how she needs to be to make it feel the best for both of us.

If you're not willing to make him happy by giving something as popular and normal and fairly mundane as anal sex a chance though, maybe you should just throw the ring at him so he can sell it and spend the money on a girl that cares about his pleasure as much as or more than she cares about her own.
After all, most people wouldn't even consider a person's interest in anal sex to be a fetish, unless they're totally obsessed with it and can't climax without it, so what are you going to do if he expresses an interest in an actual fetish or kinky act, like wanting you to give him footjobs or wanting to watch you pee or have you pee on him or vice versa, or heaven forbid, have you give him a rimjob while you jack him off into a martini glass and then pour it over your face while humming "Singin' in the rain"?
I'm not saying grin and bear it if it hurts too bad, or kidnap elementary school kids or dogs to bring home for him or force yourself to eat shit or vote republican or anything just to make him happy, but you do need to get over the "gay" misconception and the attitude and be a little more receptive.
I'm sure there are even how-to videos you can get to help, and maybe you'll find you actually like it as long as you get a candle-lit oil rub to soft music first, or maybe that you need to be tied down and slapped around and even more painfully forced to enjoy it.
People are weird and unpredictable.

Speaking of, Star Trek is on..
Gotta go.

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > bloomington, IL > Generic Sybian Manufacturer
Originally Posted: Thu, 6 Aug 05:27 CDT
Generic Sybian Manufacturer

Date: 2009-08-06, 5:27AM CDT

Reverse engineered a Sybian. Need test riders in the next 30 days. No cameras. No internet BS. No sex acts expected other than with the machine. I don't want to have to watch 400lbs of jello sitting on an industrial strength vibrator. Please don't try to add nausea to what will already be a frustrating experience. Single would probably be a good idea. Shyness is not a quality that would suit you well. Once again, no pics or anything like that. Just ride the S.O.B. and tell me if it works. Interested parties should send a picture. Sorry to seem picky, but I'm the one that's got to sit through this. I should at least get to look at pretty for my frustration. I don't expect testing to take long. It won't be hard to tell if it works or not. If functional, the device should hit ebay within a couple of weeks. If you have security concerns, you're more than welcome to bring backup. Oh yeah. Only 18 or older please. Prison isn't on my list of things to do this year.

[Spunky]

Lots of hilarious reading,funny shit

[woj]

good shit

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > raleigh > To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store
Originally Posted: Mon, 20 Jul 21:52 EDT
To The People Buying and Renting Porn at My Store

Date: 2009-07-20, 9:52PM EDT

Dear Porn Purchaser,

1. I'll say this one time only: we do not accept returns unless the movie you purchased is defective in some way. This means the movie doesn't play. This does not mean that the video was not long enough, didn't feature enough fucking, didn't feature enough money shots, featured too many dicks and not enough pussy, featured too many pussies and not enough dicks or any other content-based complaint you may have. You bought it, you wanked to it and now its yours. Forever. kthxbye.

2. If your movie is defective, you have two (2) days to return it with the receipt and original package. This means if you purchase the movie on Monday morning, you have until Wednesday evening to bring it back. This means when you return the movie, you have to have that little piece of paper we give you when we sell you the movie and the cover and box must be intact. It's possible, but very unlikely, that we didn't give you a receipt. It's impossible that you didn't get the packaging. That's just ridiculous. Oh, and if you return a movie, I will put the movie in our DVD player to make sure it doesn't work. Yes, that's right. I'm college educated and I get to check porn for defects at work. My parents sure are proud.

3. Seriously, who purchases porn anymore? Have you ever heard of the internet? Well, in case you haven't, it's a magical series of tubes that gives you access to a plethora of pornography you cannot even imagine. Pornography beyond your wildest dreams! And, better yet, it's free!

4. Seriously, who rents porn anymore? Please see #3.

5. Why are you so fucking picky about your pornography? I really don't understand. It's a movie. With people fucking each other. A lot. The movies are separated into broad genres in our movie section for your convenience. You can find run of the mill people fucking each other a lot movies, movies with only black people fucking each other a lot, interracial groupings fucking each other a lot, only men fucking each other a lot, only women fucking each other a lot, people fucking each other a lot and doing kinky shit at the same time, and so on. It's pretty basic and usually, the titles describe what is going to happen in the movie pretty well. "Big Black Poles in White Holes," for instance, says a lot about what the movie will be about. So do titles like "Giant Goo Covered Jugs," "Girls Kissing Girls," "Anal Addiction," "Big Wet Asses," "Enema Queens," and "Hairy Cooter Bonanza." Usually, you don't have to think a lot about what a movie is about (other than fucking, of course) - pornography isn't known for being demure.

6. I have not seen every movie in our collection so I can't tell you whether "Giant Greeze Covered Asses" is better than "Big Wet Booty Poppin' Booty." To be honest, I don't even like pornography. Even if I did, I wouldn't tell you about my pornography watching habits. Please use your own discretion in determining which movie is right for you.

7. I can help you find movies by title, studio or star. If you don't have a specific title, studio or star you are looking for, please limit your question asking. We have thousands of movies and I'm not going to look through them to help you find a movie featuring double penetration, strap ons, interracial couplings, and hairy women covered in oil wearing rubber. Take your specific fetishes to the internet. Please see #3 and 4.

8. Some of you rent or purchase multiple movies every day or so. Do you have a job? Do you do anything except watch porn? How have you not masturbated yourself retarded at this point? Seriously...calm down a little bit and, for the love of God, save yourself some money and get a computer and internet access.

Thanks and have a nice day,

Your Friendly Adult Store Clerk

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > seattle > Porn laptop
Originally Posted: Sun, 19 Jul 19:10 PDT
Porn laptop

Date: 2009-07-19, 7:10PM PDT

I have an older laptop, about 8 years old, it's a blue toshiba. It has a few missing keys and a few scratches, and only about 40 gigs of free space. I got a newer laptop though and I don't need this one. I call it a porn laptop because I'm pretty sure it has a few viruses and stuff, but I still use it for porn. It runs internet pretty fast and I already have about 200 favorites of porn sites saved in my favorites for firefox. It works for porn perfectly, but not big or fast enough for music/video editing or any of that. I wouldn't type any credit card info with it though, like I said it has some viruses and spyware so it's not worth the risk. Great for porn though.
So if you just want an extra laptop to sneak in your office that is dedicated just for porn, I got your back.
Give me an email, price is negotiable

Location: Renton

[MrMaxwell]

These get better all of the time!!!


http://www.craigslist.org/about/best...275894215.html
best of craigslist > san diego > Room above Seedy OB Bar
Originally Posted: Fri, 17 Jul 22:37 PDT
Room above Seedy OB Bar

Date: 2009-07-17, 10:37PM PDT

If the look of peeling plaster and the stench of mold and vomit and urine don't bother you, then this might be exactly what you are looking for. I lived her for six years and only recently had to move out because my new girlfriend is super uptight about all the traffic and noise and chicks knocking on my door looking for a place to crash after drinking themselves into a slutty stupor. I don't know why she cares since she was one of those slutty chicks when I first met her. This place is a friggin freak incubator. Not kidding. Serious.
Whenever you flush the toilet you have to call the bar so they can clear the area on the floor where the water leaks down from the ceiling. There was a stabbing in there one night about 2 years ago because someone thought someone else had thrown a beer at them, but it was just the water from the pipes pouring down on the stupid drunk fucks head.
I do not require you to be drug free, you can have any number of people living with you, you can punch holes in the wall and throw furniture out the window.... I really don't mind. You don't have to do housework or give me blowjobs. You don't have to have a job or proof of income to qualify. I can tell if I can trust you just by smelling your underwear.
Paying rent is the only thing that you have to do. Serious. The minute I even think you are going to stiff me on the rent you will suffer more pain than you could ever imagine. I don't care how you get the money, just as long as you have it not more later than the 3rd of every month.

I can't tell you the name of the bar because if you know where it is then you probably have crashed out here or been to one of the many impromptu orgies that have been here. If I know who you are then I probably don't want to rent the place to you.
I know a set up when I smell one, so don't get any stupid ideas. I'm not stupid, but I had a stroke and I talk like I'm stupid. Too much alcohol and drugs. But it's been fun.
No one has ever completely died in this apartment, but the police and fire department make courtesy checks regularly in case anyone needs a trip to the hospital.
Obviously this place is not for square johns.

[MrMaxwell]

best of craigslist > boston > You threw your lit cigarette at my face outside Starbucks - m4w
Originally Posted: Mon, 13 Jul 17:23 EDT
You threw your lit cigarette at my face outside Starbucks - m4w

Date: 2009-07-13, 5:23PM EDT

I'm sorry I wasn't able to stop and chat --- I was in such a rush to do my errands --- but you too seemed to be in a giant rush to run inside and grab your extra-whip venti white chocolate mocha. You were in such a hurry that even after your friend pointed out how close your cig came to burning my face, you didn't have time to say "sorry" or "excuse me." Anyway, I just wanted to write to let you know how much I love it when Big Beautiful Women wear pajama pants/tee-shirt ensembles out in public. It conveys a postmodern "I've totally given up on life" attitude that so many men find intoxicating. Additionally, your hair was exquisite. I can tell that your life is so full of fun and adventure that you don't even have time to buy a bottle of Prell, but there's nothing more exciting than a woman on the go.

Listen, I'm sure you have far too many male suitors for you to even consider reading Craigslist missed connections, but on the off chance that you see this and you haven't been felled by heart disease or any of the myriad cancers you're courting ... I'd love to take you and your slightly less-hot friend to dinner. We'll have all the things you love! I envision beginning with some wings, then moving on to a few chicken parms, some buckets of General Tso's, even more buckets of the Colonel's extra-crispy, a jalapeno-popper palate cleanser, followed by approximately 27 stuffed-crust pizzas, as many McDonald's #2 value meals as you can eat before you get bored, and finally a jaunt to Cheesecake Factory for dessert. And at the end of the night, if you're still hungry (no doubt about that) and feeling in the mood (fingers crossed!), we can end with some edible underwear and a Colt 45 fountain.