Dear Shotsie, The President Urgently needs your help

[Shotsie]

Fuck you President Barack Obama

and Vice President Joe Biden, and First Lady Michelle Obama, and fuck you David Axelrod; suck my balls Mary Jane Stevenson, eat a fucking dick Jim Messina; fuck you Rufus Gifford. Who the fuck names their kid Rufus, anyway? assholes, that's who. Should've named him Fuckyoufus. Fuck you and fuck you and on and on and on to all the dozens of jerkoffs who email me CONSTANTLY!! EVERY MOTHERFUCKING DAY begging for money for Barack Obama. A president who I voted for and supported, and of course, will vote for again becuase I live in Pennsylvania; the swing state where 90% of the population lives, works and votes in one of the two solidly blue metropolitan areas: Philadelphia and Pittsburgh; but also where, in our fucking retarded electoral college system, the other 10%, who are spread bible paper thin throughout the strip-mined wasteland that makes up the rest of the state, have an equal say. But the district I'm in there is no possible way for it to go any way but blue, so who gives a shit how I vote. No, fuckface, your vote means nothing. We need your motherfucking MONEY.

Fuck all of you because every five god damn minutes I look at my phone and see the red asterisk of a new incoming email and I think it?s soemthing important or a correspondence from a friend and instead it?s you fucking panhandlers finding some new excuse to hit me up for cash. If I donate three dollars I get a chance to have dinner with George Clooney; which - why the fuck would I want to have dinner with George Clooney? Or: RED ALERT! Mitt Romney has outraised Obama for the first time, in fact the first time Barack has been outfunded by an opponent since 2007 ? well shit, that second part is news to me; I thought you guys were the fucking underdogs. Are you telling me you had MORE money than the Republicans this whole fucking time? Fuck off then. Look where that got you. Me and my male bride should be passing out weed brownies after our wedding reception at the satanic church before retiring home to our mountain of free insurance and welfare payments by now.

But it?s always something. Whatever type of shit has happened lately, they gotta turn it into a reason why Barack Obama urgently needs your money right now. Gotta have it now! Not just sometime before November when the election happens ? it?s gotta be this week, when Mitt Romney has outraised Barack Obama for the first time in human history. It?s gotta be this week because Barack Obama was accidentally forced by his bumbling underling to stop being such a pussy about the gays. It?s gotta be this week because it?s Barack?s birthday and Sasha, Malia and I would love to give him the present of meeting our fundraising goals ahead of blah blah blah?. they whore out his fucking family; they scare you into thinking that the Koch brothers are gonna singlehandedly hand Mitt 12 gazillion dollars with which he will declare himself Mormon Pope and Emperor of the United States of Gay Holocaust; they trumpet how Barack?s master plan has to continue because whatever Mitt Romney does would be drastically different and lead to instant collapse of the republic into the MAD MAX BEYOND THE FUCKING THUNDERDOME UNIVERSE!!

Look: it doesn?t matter who?s president. Or, it doesn?t matter who?s president this time. It mattered when it was idiot George W. Bush versus anybody else because that guy was bad enough at the job to substantially fuck up the financial health of the government and take tens of thousands of lives. But Bush was also a man of unquestioning faith who actually believed in the dumb shit he was doing. Is anyone afraid that Mitt Romney is the same way? Is there anybody on the face of this planet who thinks Mitt has a single conviction, and is in it for anything other than to merely get elected? He?s a shell of a man; an empty suit... but the good thing about an empty suit is there?s not some secret room in his mind where Jesus is telling him to crush the Antichrist King of Babylon and avenge his father. If you travel deep as deep can go into Mitt Romney?s subconscious you will find a blank wall. Maybe a spread sheet with some revenue optimizing formulas, or a list of potential layoffs, or maybe, at the very darkest, a chalkboard with a crude drawing of a bunch of dicks pissing all over a stickfigure with the subtitle: George Romney. So he?s not going to unleash the nukes; he?s not going to round up the gays into concentration camps ? he?s going to cut taxes and yet be unable to cut spending because old people won?t let you touch Medicare/Medicaid, Social Security or defense, and these are the only things we spend money on. He?s gonna cut taxes and increase the deficit but who are we kidding ? the financial health of the country is so completely fucked, the deficit is so incomprehensibly gigantic, the national debt is discussed in quantities that make you think you tuned into a Discovery Channel documentary about the number of stars and galaxies in the fucking universe ? the financial health of the country is so well and truly fucked that no one man is going to fix it, and no one man is going to fuck it up any further in a meaningful way. It is what it is.

So who gives a shit if Barack Obama is president. I?m happy that he finally stood up for the gays three and a half years in to being president after being officially opposed to their basic human rights for the rest of the term; but still, it was some half-assed bullshit about his personal beliefs. I personally believe that gay people should have the right to marry, but I believe that it should be up to the states to decide. Same thing with the unions in Wisconsin. I personally believe in collective bargaining rights, but I am also very understanding of the need for state governments to make tough choices blah blah blah... Just like I personally belive that Wooster's organic cinammon flavor toothpaste is better than the leading brand, but you are entitled to your own opinion. Fuck outta here. Grow some fucking balls, Obama. And thanks for that crackdown on medical weed; the best use of time and money and roided-up federal agents is clearly that scourge of society. And thanks for keeping us in Afghanistan ? obviously that fine nation has a bright democratic future ahead of it. And thanks for forcing everyone to buy private insurance with no option to just get fucking medicare, which actually pays for medical procedures instead of creating an entire sub-industry of nitpickers whose sole purpose is to put you on hold again and again and again until you decide to just give up and pay the fucking bill yourself.

Whatever. Look, I support a lot of what Obama would have done, if he could get a single piece of legislation through congress without it being completely fucking gutted and declawed. I would prefer that he be the president again instead of this nauseatingly square whitebread corporate cyborg whose fake laugh would only sound contextually appropriate at a private dinner party with endangered exotic animals on the menu in some billion dollar mansion out in the Hamptons. But I would prefer Obama for the sole reason that he is somewhat less fucking annoying and grating to watch on TV. That?s it. Nothing either of these guys is able to effect is going to materially change my life to the tune of the three dollars they?re asking me for, whereas the beefy nacho burrito meal I will be purchasing with that money at Taco Bell will take my taste buds to a heavenly fiesta south of the border. The same border that illegal immigrants will be crossing at the exact same rate no matter who's president.

[DudeRick]

Obama sucks...

[Shotsie]

Originally Posted by DudeRick

Obama sucks...

That's some profoundly penetrating insight there, buddy. Let me ask you something, when was the last time you breathed through your nose?

[nextri]

Nice rant Shotsie..
takes about 10 seconds to unsubscribe from the newsletter btw..

[DudeRick]

Originally Posted by Shotsie

That's some profoundly penetrating insight there, buddy. Let me ask you something, when was the last time you breathed through your nose?

You suck too...

[Shotsie]

Originally Posted by nextri

Nice rant Shotsie..
takes about 10 seconds to unsubscribe from the newsletter btw..

Thank you. It's a hobby of mine; ranting. I'm just honing my chops waiting for a columnist gig opening at The New York Times.

If I unsuscribed from the newsletter, then I wouldn't be able to rant about it.