Unofficial Canada Joke Thread!

[AdultPornMasta]

I'll get it started with this.............

...........and other GFY members may join in as they please............

OK, (Drumroll!) here we go!:

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?

A: The taste!

[purecane]

They can both get you put on probation?

[brassmonkey]

Originally Posted by AdultPornMasta

I'll get it started with this.............

...........and other GFY members may join in as they please............

OK, (Drumroll!) here we go!:

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?

A: The taste!

its 90% moose piss

[AdultPornMasta]

Originally Posted by brassmonkey

its 90% moose piss

Now you've gone and done it!

Your post made my Adult Beverage come out of my nose, I was laughing so hard!

YOU BASTARD!

YOU KILLED KENNY!

[AdultPornMasta]

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."





The best beer in Canada!:

[purecane]

The worst airline disaster in Canadian history happened this morning when a single passenger plane crashed in a large graveyard.

Rescue workers said there were no survivors and have retrieved 200 bodies so far. That number is expected to climb as digging continues.

[MrBottomTooth]

Coors Light is awful. Sadly we can't even get original Coors here. For some reason years ago they stuck us with the Coors piss water light version and stopped selling Coors original.

Whenever I go to the US I always try to bring some back. I understand regular Coors is considered cheap crap over there too, but I guess you always want what you can't have.

[brassmonkey]

Originally Posted by MrBottomTooth

Coors Light is awful. Sadly we can't even get original Coors here. For some reason years ago they stuck us with the Coors piss water light version and stopped selling Coors original.

Whenever I go to the US I always try to bring some back. I understand regular Coors is considered cheap crap over there too, but I guess you always want what you can't have.

you can make a clone at home.

[MrBottomTooth]

Originally Posted by brassmonkey

you can make a clone at home.

I'd rather drink Coors Light than some shit brewed up in a plastic jug in somebody's basement. We do have plenty of good beers up here. Alexander Keith's, Sleemans, Steam Whistle, tons of microbrews, etc.

Unfortunately whenever someone thinks of Canadian beer they tend to think of Molson Canadian and Coors Light thanks to those annoying commercials and mass marketing.

[SilentKnight]

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

[cognitos]

Canadian Knock-knock joke:

Knock-Knock
Come in
Sorry
No, I'm sorry.

[mineistaken]

you are so cool

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Let me know when the "Kansas tranny posting as a girl" joke thread starts. I have some jokes that will make your clit tickle...



To my friends North of the Border, pay no attention to Sally Rand (aka Silly Rant, now posting as AdultPornMasta, until yet another one of his fake nicks gets banned).



ADG

[2MuchMark]

As a Canadian I find this thread and all of the jokes in this thread highly offensive. Please stop posting jokes or I will demand that Eric ban you all.

[epitome]

I'll play along...

Where are all the best porn companies located?

Canada.

Har har har!

Oh wait, that's the truth.

[epitome]

Originally Posted by SilentKnight

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Coral Sea was decommissioned in 1990, but facts don't matter.

Edit: The best part? The urban legend is SO common that there is a long wiki about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightho...l_urban_legend

[lezinterracial]

Originally Posted by epitome

I'll play along...

Where are all the best porn companies located?

Canada.

Har har har!

Oh wait, that's the truth.

Yea, Why is that? Porn aside, Seems alot of filming is north of the border. Been that way for a while. MacGyver had to have been filmed in BC.

[Spunky]

A Canadian, an American and a French Canadian go into a bar...

How can you tell which is which?

The Canadian wants a Molson...
The American wants a Budweiser...
The French Canadian wants a separate check...

[epitome]

Originally Posted by lezinterracial

Yea, Why is that? Porn aside, Seems alot of filming is north of the border. Been that way for a while. MacGyver had to have been filmed in BC.

Well I do know that mainstream movies film up north (like Vancouver) because of the tax breaks... and it's a short flight for them... and the city looks American enough that they can trick viewers.

As for porn? I have no idea, it just seems that is where most of the power ended up being concentrated. One thing though... even the Canadian companies tend to have their films produced in the US for obvious reasons.

[The Porn Nerd]

How many Canadians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
1 eh?

[newB]

Originally Posted by Spunky

A Canadian, an American and a French Canadian go into a bar...

How can you tell which is which?

The Canadian wants a Molson...
The American wants a Budweiser...
The French Canadian wants a separate check...

One I heard back when I was a bartender:

What's the difference between a French Canadian and a canoe?

Sometimes a canoe will tip.

[AdultPornMasta]

Your local zoo is mainly flamingoes, giraffes and sad elephants freezing their asses off against a backdrop of pine trees, grey skies, and precambrian shield formations.

[grumpy]

lived in both and i prefer Canada way way more.

[RebelR]

Originally Posted by lezinterracial

Yea, Why is that? Porn aside, Seems alot of filming is north of the border. Been that way for a while. MacGyver had to have been filmed in BC.

Used to be that quite a lot of film production happened up there. Then the US dollar took a shit, and it became cost prohibitive to shoot up here. Have a friend in post production that now works primarily on Canadian TV shows, since we have to have them because of content laws.

[seeandsee]

never tasted piss

[stinkyfingers]

this thread sucks

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by SilentKnight

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

That's funny.

Snopes says it's fake though:
http://www.snopes.com/military/lighthouse.asp

[RyuLion]

Originally Posted by AdultPornMasta

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Doug stops him and asks, "Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?"

"I got it for my wife, eh." answers Bob.

"Oh!" exclaims Doug, "Good trade."





The best beer in Canada!:

OMFG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[tfs]

Q: What do urine samples and Canadian beer have in common?

A: The taste!

You got that backwards. I heard that joke said about American beer over 30 years ago. Schlitz much?

[Itchy]

Originally Posted by SilentKnight

Transcript of a radio conversation between a US naval ship and Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995.

US Ship: Please divert your course 0.5 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

CND reply: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

US Ship: This is the Captain of a US Navy Ship. I say again, divert your course.

CND reply: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course!

US Ship: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS CORAL SEA, WE ARE A LARGE WARSHIP OF THE US NAVY. DIVERT YOUR COURSE NOW!!

CND reply: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

O fuck

[iSpyCams]

A Canadian calls 911.

"Help I locked my keys in the car"

"Sir this line is for emergencies only"

"This is an emergency! My wife and kids are in there! Also its a convertible, the top is down and I think its gonna rain!"

[dillonaire]

A Canadian guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"

[RyuLion]

Originally Posted by gamelinkjeff

A Canadian guest who was staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge.
"Toilette pepper!"

[dillonaire]

A Canadian bloke is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.

His friend Randy stops him and asks, "Hey Dave! Whatcha got that case of beer for?"

"Well, I got it for my wife, you see?" answers Dave.

"Wow," exclaims Randy, "Great trade."

[2013]

[Kenny B!]

Originally Posted by newB

One I heard back when I was a bartender:

What's the difference between a French Canadian and a canoe?

Sometimes a canoe will tip.

That's a Jew joke but it works.

here's another where you can replace the race/religion/ethnicity...

Why do Canadians smell?

So blind people can hate them too!

[Rob]

Why aren't there any Mexicans in Canada?

They can't run that far.

[Rob]

What was the original title for "Canadian Idol"?

"The Worlds Biggest Hoser"

[SilentKnight]

Originally Posted by epitome

Coral Sea was decommissioned in 1990, but facts don't matter.

Edit: The best part? The urban legend is SO common that there is a long wiki about it: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lightho...l_urban_legend

You mean to say all jokes aren't based on factual events?!?

[SilentKnight]

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
The Newfie replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat."

[MaDalton]

Originally Posted by SilentKnight

An American tourist asks a Newfoundlander:
"Why do Scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?"
The Newfie replies:
"If they fell forwards they'd still be in the fuckin boat."

<knocking head on table>

[SilentKnight]

A Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when this huge, burly American guy walks in.

As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, "That's a karate chop from Korea."

Well, the Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer.

The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor. "That's a judo chop from Japan", he says.

The Newfie decides he's had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and smacks him on the head, knocking him out cold. The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a fuckin' crowbar from Canadian Tire."

[_Richard_]

why is there no Canadians on Star Trek?

We don't work in the future either

[Dvae]

A man from Newfoundland went into the fish market to apply for a job. The boss thought to himself, "I'm not hiring that lazy newf", so he decided to set a test for the Newfie hoping he wouldn't be able to answer the questions and he'd be able to refuse him the job without getting into an argument. The first question was, "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." Newfie says, "Dat's easy" and proceeds to draw three trees. The boss says, "What in the world is that?" Newfie says, "Tree 'n tree 'n tree makes nine." "Fair enough" says the boss.

"Second question, same rules, but represent 99". Newfie stares into space for a while, then makes a smudge on each tree. "Der ya go bye," he says. The boss scratches his head and asks, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" Newfie answers, "Each tree is dirty now, so it's dirty tree 'n dirty tree 'n dirty tree - dat 99."

The boss is getting worried he's going to have to hire the newf so he says, "All right, question number 3. Same rules again, but this time represent the number 100." Newfie stares into space again, then he shouts, "I got it!" He makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Der ya go sir -100." The boss looks at Newfie's attempt and thinks, "Ha! got him this time." He then tells Newfie, "Go on, Newfie, you must be crazy if you think that represents a 100."
Newfie leans forward and points to the little marks at the tree bases and says, "A little dog comes along and craps near the base of each tree, so now ya got dirty tree an' a turd, dirty tree an' a turd, and dirty tree an' a turd, which makes 100. When do I start me job?"

[MediumPimpin]

Nickleback.

[AdultPornMasta]

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"

[SmutHammer]

Originally Posted by epitome

I'll play along...

Where are all the best porn companies located?

Canada.

Har har har!

Oh wait, that's the truth.

ummm.... Name 5, I'll go first.

1. Vivid

2. Hustler

3. Playboy

4. Wicked

5. Adam & Eve

[Aric]

Weird how there's so many porn powerhouses in Canuckistan, eh

[CrkMStanz]

Originally Posted by _Richard_

why is there no Canadians on Star Trek?

...

OMG - did you just say that????


https://youtube.com/watch?v=ainyK...e=results_main

[Elli]

Originally Posted by AdultPornMasta

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. They proceeded to each buy a pint of Labatt Blue. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverages, three flies landed in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, YOU BASTARD!!!"

Ahh Tiffiny. She was a hoot. A good Quebec girl