WannabeMiddleMan

Hi GFY,

I've been a webmaster for a while, but in this post I'm looking for some advice on life please.

This year I met an incredible lady, she's amazing!

We chatted, I got her number and invited her out for coffee (which she postponed) and then we spoke more etc and eventually went out on a few occasions.

I've been developing feelings for her, and I do feel we have a chemistry, so I would flirt a little etc but nothing crazy

Recently we arranged to go for dinner and on the message I said, "It's a date" to which she replied "Looking forward to hanging out" with a smiley face.

From what I can tell that isn't a great reply, but I didn't take it that seriously.

It was her birthday recently, so I bought her chocolates, a voucher and a very romantic card that basically called her someone very special to me, and I ended the message with Love, (my name).

I had given her the gift 10 days before her birthday, she said she will only open it on her birthday, so I waited.

On her birthday I thought she would phone me to say thank you, but she didn't. So I phoned her that afternoon and she didn't answer. That night she phoned me to return my call and I wished her for her birthday, we chatted and she mentioned she hadn't opened the gift, which was disappointing to me as I was really looking forward to mentioning the card, and saying how grateful I am to have met her etc etc and to feel out how she felt about me basically putting myself out there.

3 days later she sent me a text thanking me for the gift, that's it - no acknowledgement of the very romantic card at all.

So, I think that's a clear message that this isn't going anywhere, and here I am stuck.

I think about her a lot, I get excited when I see a message from her, but this is depressing me knowing that this isn't going to go anywhere and I really need to get over her.

I have a major exam coming up and I can't let these feelings screw up my future (I've already had a few days of feeling extremely depressed and sad thinking about her and what it would have been like with us together etc).

Any ideas or advice will be greatly appreciated.

Thank you.

beerptrol

Grow a pair

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seeandsee

Give it some time, you will forget her, just hang out with other girls

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SuckOnThis

Burn her house down.

mineistaken

be a man and not some whimp

WarChild

Sounds like a job for hookers and blow.

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Spunky

Find one who will appreciate it

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Darkcrni

It's real simple, if she like you give her some time!

If she don't like you give her all the time in the world and still she won't be yours!

_Lush_

lose 1 get 2 new ones

its always worked for me. Then the old one gets really pissed thats the best part..


ok i just re read your post. you sound pathetic the girl has put you in the friend category clearly. You need to draw her attencion and the only way you are going to do that is by appearing confident. you need to get your confidence back first as someone above said hookers might be a good option for you. Nothing builds confidence in a guy better then fucking a fine hooker who makes you feel like the man. Thats there job. After you have fucked a few fine bitches you will have the confidence to get a normal girl do this and let her see you doing it. then she will change her ways with you. but byh then you might be over her and not even want her.

CurrentlySober

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2 Kings 18:27

L-Pink

Right now she's sucking the cock of a guy who could care less about her birthday. What does this tell you?

TheSquealer

haha.. this reads like you followed a step by step guide on "how to turn a girl off by being a bitch".

the only true way to put it in the past as quick as possible and shut those chemicals down in your brain, is to start seeing more girls,... the more, the better.

Otherwise, just be honest with yourself. It is what it is. It will pass soon. She's telling you in every way that she's not interested without being mean. She doesn't want you. She won't want you and she will never be with you. Don't look for hope in texts, don't read into everything and just accept that it isn't going to happen and there are 10,000,000 more "very special and unique" girls out there just like her. You're young, one day you will laugh about these moments and how silly you are being and be embarrassed to even talk about how you acted/are acting right now. Man up.

In the future, don't act like such a bitch when pursuing a girl. Be an alpha male, not a bitch. Don't chase her. Don't shower her in gifts... think of your greatest masculine hero and ask "what would he do". You'll find better answers in that than in following your instincts which clearly suck. He definitely isn't acting like a twat. He's attracting women to him through his appearance, his character, his charm, his behavior, by being strong, by being interesting, by being a leader etc. He's not chasing them like a sad and lost puppy.

Women are biologically wired to find a strong mate. Strong character, strong personality, physical strength, style, intelligence, strong social skills etc. You've demonstrated yourself to be the opposite of everything she wants in a man (whether she consciously knows what she wants or not). Accept that you fucked it up, call it a learning experience and start over.


Oh... and Merry Christmas

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If you don't like that Elon Musk bought twitter,... just build your own and stop crying about it.

WannabeMiddleMan

Thank you, I need to hear that in this case

Good advice, I'm going to try and organise this.

That's a little extreme, but I like your energy.

Thank you, I need to hear that in this case

Now that's a great suggestion Maybe I'll go as far as a strip club, just to get over these dam feelings

I 100% agree, I also needed to hear this - gives me hope

WannabeMiddleMan

Nicely put, it tells me that I've got to get over her and move onto better things?

WannabeMiddleMan

Yeah, I'm definitely in the friendzone. She doesn't see me as anything other than a friend from what I can tell.

I've never tried the hooker route, I've only ever gone as far as a strip club and dam did it have an impact on my confidence and how I treated women! You're right, maybe its time for another visit there.

WannabeMiddleMan

Thank you for the detailed reply, and Merry Christmas to you as well.

I'll be honest, I don't play the Barney Stinsen (How I Met Your Mother character) persona of treating women, as if there are many and they are easy to get etc.

I consider myself to be mature and I try to show intelligence, connect with the woman, use social skills and try to find things in common etc. We would have deep conversations for an hour or two discussing family, our history, our education etc.

Then she brought up a guy that she was starting to chat with and so I decided to play her game and I showed her a picture and told her about a girl I was starting to chat with. Here I was trying to use psychology to show her other girls are interested in me, but I don't think this helped.

This is concerning me, as I think you're right - maybe my approach is fucked up and I've fucked up this entire thing? I've tried to be me, but I don't think I've given the appearance of being confident.

To be honest, thinking about it now, a lack of confidence might be a big issue

mineistaken

Precisely elaborated text of these shorter ones:

mineistaken

Friend zone type of guy

WannabeMiddleMan

Very true, and noted - but I think TheSquealer might be onto something here.

Let's try and delve deeper into this and maybe I'll be able to learn how to not fuck this up again in future?

WannabeMiddleMan

Haha, shit That's a big problem.

JD

Sack up princess.

mineistaken

Not just onto something, but it is exactly how he says, you usually learn that trough experience.

CaptainHowdy

Feelings?? Are you a woman?? She probably isn't a lesbian.

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WannabeMiddleMan

Speaking about being a man etc, I'm sure this didn't help my quest to win her over:

I was recently at a club with her and we were dancing when all of a sudden a guy (part of a group of six guys all wearing a club t-shirt) dropped a beer bottle and it smashed on the floor and cut her leg.

My immediate reaction was to put myself in between her and the group of guys and then I guided her to the bathroom as I could see she was cut.

I then went to the club manager, got her a plaster and went to her and gave her the plaster. The cut was a bleeding, but she managed to clean it up a little, and then the plaster helped.

Only afterwards did I realise that maybe she would have wanted or maybe I should have confronted the guy?

The way I see it was:
1. I could have been semi aggressive and been like "Look at what you did"
2. I could have made him feel bad and tried to get him to apologise, by saying: "You dropped the bottle and cut this lady.."

Either way, it wouldn't have changed anything, but maybe she expected that?

Truth is, I don't think it would have been worth it because I can't afford to have a criminal record, but I wonder...

TheSquealer

I know i sound like a shit,.. i know this is hard. But its a bit funny at the same timme because in spite of how it may feel, every single person on the planet over the age of 16 has been there more than once. Every time, they thought it was the end of the world. Every time, it isn't. Eventually, everyone finds the right person. You're hung up on the wrong person.

And you're right. Nothing kills attraction more than a lack of confidence. That point can not be overstated when it comes to meeting women. Again, look at any masculine hero you have. He exudes confidence. He stands tall. He is erect. He speaks with confidence. He dresses sharply. He has a firm handshake. He looks people in the eye. He is comfortable around others and in conversation. He does NOTHING to qualify himself to others (bragging, stating credentials etc) and he gets others to qualify themselves to him just by being himself and he doesn't chase the girls... they pursue him after he's shown only the slightest interest and then ignored them. They then approach him. That is game.

You can be doing 50 small things wrong in how you present and carry yourself (i.e. looking and acting like you have no confidence in how you stand, talk etc) and not even be fully aware of it. But women are picking up on everything. Everything. At its core, social interactions between a single man and woman are about finding a strong mate. A strong mate. Not finding sperm. Any slob can provide that. Finding someone that can thrive, provide, lead, protect etc.

But more than anything, if you just focus on approaching girls, focus on how you walk, talk and act etc and just keep doing it,... your confidence grows. You become comfortable. Interactions become routine. You get better and better at approaching and talking to women and the funniest thing of all is that as you become more confident, they start approaching you more and more adn you'll realize that you could walk out your front door any day of the week and come home that day with almost any girl you choose.

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L-Pink

So you would have escalated something simple like a guy accidentally dropping a beer bottle to impress your date? This whole thread reeks of "manly" issues.


.

WannabeMiddleMan

I just had a great laugh at that, THANK YOU!

I'm not that bad - but pretty close, only difference is that I do all of that in my mind, I would only send the first message and then the rest would happen in my mind, luckily not actually acted upon

WannabeMiddleMan

He was drunk, but yes - from what I could tell it was an accident. To be honest I'm glad I didn't escalate it, because I would see it only going one way - into a fight.

I just wonder what it did to my chances, which from what I can tell were shit already, so I guess it doesn't matter.

I just thought I would add it here to get a different opinion as it has been bothering me.

TheSquealer

btw,,, i dress like an asshole. I am a smart ass. I am fairly intelligent. I use cutting and borderline mean humor as a defense mechanism to mask insecurity.

When i was young, i noticed that i would frequently be a dick to a hot girl as a sort of pre-emptive measure to make sure i didn't have to deal with being rejected by her. It didn't take long before I noticed the strangest thing... the harder i tried to push them away, the more attracted they became. I was going home with the cute girls without even trying. In fact, i was usually confused about it myself.... because the conventional wisdom is that girls want a "nice guy".

The truth is that girls are not attracted to "the nice guy". Girls are attracted to the confident bad boy who is everything i describe. Every girl that claims they are not, can be seduced just as easily, married or not by that guy.

They are largely drawn to the exception to the rule (the confident guy who is showing them zero attention and even pushing themselves away). Or as L-Pink so elloquently put it.. the guy who's dick she is sucking and who didn't buy her a single gift.

Hot chicks in particular get terribly disturbed when an average guy just isn't interested in them or tell them things like tend to naturally do like "I used to date a girl just like you, she was a huge pain in the ass. Never again.". Women only want a "nice guy" once they are married, thinking about family and having kids. Thats when they need the nurturing, the stability, the security, a guy that is certain to come home every night. A guy that is thinking about them constantly and demonstrating it by buying flowers and gifts all the time and leaving cute little notes around the house. Until that point, if you want to attract a normal woman to you, you have to be the alpha male (worry about how she'll demand you change, later. Just know that its coming)

Nearly every behavior which attracts a woman to you is everything that ultimately destroys a relationship. It's important to understand that distinction and separate that two.

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TheSquealer

Don't over analyze the past or pick apart events. That will just drive you crazy. Let go. It's over. Don't over think it. Attraction doesn't come down to a single even like that and whatever choice you made. If she was attracted to you before, she'd be attracted to you after. Besides, as much as i like to fight, fighting in social situations is a sign of emotional weakness and emotional instability.

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If you don't like that Elon Musk bought twitter,... just build your own and stop crying about it.

WannabeMiddleMan

I agree, this is a learning experience - and how I see life and experiences is, if they don't kill you then hopefully we can learn from them and not make the same mistake again (because that becomes costly).

If you don't mind, let's analyse a few things that I did during this experience.

1. I would answer her text messages straight away, usually after a few minutes.
Should I rather have waited a few hours, played a bit of a game?

2. When she was keen to do something, such as go for lunch etc I would always be available, even if I had something else planned. In one instance I cancelled watching the World Cup final with a group of 10+ friends, just to go and watch with her.
Should I rather not be as available? Rather make her feel that she's lucky to be with me? Rather say I'm not available even if I am just to make myself to appear to be busy?

My approach has been to treat the women as if she is a princess, as if I'm her bodyguard and to try and protect her at all times. (I've been told by my friends that I act as if I'm their Dad)?

Is the correct approach to rather not pay as much attention, rather not buy them drink after drink, rather not be as emotionally attached?

L-Pink

You're killing me here. You sound like a fat girl reacting to attention from Brad Pitt.

.

jimmycooper

You'll be fine. Just give it a little bit of time. Here's another clip from later in the movie...

directfiesta

You would have taken a beating and she would have left with the guy ....

Move on .... more then 2 billion females out there !

WannabeMiddleMan

Dam, you're spot on with this and I've recently experienced this.

I met a girl through a friend, she is average and not my type (a bit too much of a tom boy) but we met and I was friendly, but I didn't spend anytime with her that evening we met.

The next day we randomly met at the same live play and we chatted, was just chilled.

A few weeks later she got my contact details from her friend and she sent me a message, we chatted and I took her out on a date.

I didn't feel any attraction, but I wanted to give her a fair chance so I took her on another date and that confirmed it for me, but she was very keen.

She would give me compliments, she would chat about things I had done, remember things I had said, chat to her family about me, offered to cook for me etc. Basically she really liked me, but I didn't feel the same way.

I wasn't interested, so I would say a few mean comments such as she should date guys that would walk past, she should date her best guy friend, I offered to get her a guys number etc.

These were things that felt terrible saying as I got that feeling in my spine that as a gentleman I shouldn't say things like this to a girl, but I was trying to be mean on purpose to push her away, but gently.

I eventually told her I'm not looking for a relationship, I had to tell her straight as I felt it would have been unfair to drag her along and play with her emotions.

To this day she still sends me messages, we chat etc - and I wonder if this is the bad boy thing you're talking about?

TheSquealer

Again... what would say, James Bond do? Leap when he gets a text? James Bond is too fucking busy being awesome. He pauses sometimes from his awesomeness to answer a text.

The thing with attraction is that you want her working for your attention. Just a little. Don't make it too easy. Don't make it too hard. Learn to push and pull. I tend to make a lot of backhanded remarks and open ended statements that make them have to reply if they are interested and keep the interaction going that way, and i set the pace.

NEVER buy a drink for a woman. Women buy James Bond drinks. Again, you have to be the exception to the rule. Not the next clown in line to tell her how pretty she is and offer her a drink. Never flatter. Never compliment (unless its balanced with negative remarks). A cute girl is approached all day, everyday with the same bullshit. Its like telling a cop "thats not mine thats my friends"... "whats your friends name".... "uhm... jim"... . "whats jims last name?"..."uhm,... i'm not sure"... ."you said he was your friend..." etc etc. Its the 50th time he's hear that on that day. the 400th time that week. the 1000th time that month. the 10,000th time that year. Don't be that guy... EVER.

Don't always be available. You're not going to be a bitch anymore. You are going to be a super here. Fun, interesting people who are busy filling their days with awesomeness aren't always available. James Bond is a busy guy. If she wants into his world full of awesomeness, it has to happen on his terms.

Treating women like a princess? Maybe after you are married. AND ONLY if she understands, appreciates it and fully reciprocates. But in dating? Uhm... no. James Bond doesn't treat a woman like a princess. He's too busy running game and fucking them with a martini in his hand.

Women aren't attracted to the nice guy. Remember this.... the nicest guy in the room, is the weakest guy in the room.

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If you don't like that Elon Musk bought twitter,... just build your own and stop crying about it.

WannabeMiddleMan

This is tough stuff, looks like I seriously have a lot to learn.

On a serious note, I would really be open to some advice?

VikingMan

If she is a hot American woman in her 20's then.....

1. date several women while you are also dating her so you get the stink of those other women on you.
2. she will know it, it is a sixth sense. And she will feel the need to compete with them.

WannabeMiddleMan

Thank you, maybe this movie has a few life lessons that I need to learn?

I would much rather learn these sort of lessons from a movie than have to mess up with girl after girl just to learn these lessons and mess up with each potential one that might have been something in future?

TheSquealer

Attractive women are frequently drawn to the exception to the rule. When you are hit on all day, everyday... you won't notice or care about one more douche bag trying to impress you by kissing your ass. Her defensive wall is up, she won't let you in and its hard to get past.

Act disinterested, and now she's a bit confused and other behaviors kick in and fully take over.

Don't think about today. Think about us 10,000 or 100,000 years ago. Think about us in small tribes of 50-100. Think about what it means when in that small circle of people, and with those limited options, you have been rejected by one of only very few qualified mates.

Deep inside them a panic starts brewing... the panic of being rejected as a potential mate... and then by future mates and having limited options. Imagine how that works in that tribal existence. Everyone knows you were rejected. That signals to everyone that even though mates are scarce, you are so fucked up that you were rejected. I think this basic primitive instinct is at the core of why they start becoming the pursuer when you show a lack of interest. They go into overdrive trying to correct your understanding and perception of them and to make sure no one else see's or perceives the same thing.

The opposite of this is why women are drawn to men with wedding rings. Basically, it signals that the male has successfully gone through the vetting process and has been deemed a suitable mate. This in turn, makes him more attractive to other women.

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If you don't like that Elon Musk bought twitter,... just build your own and stop crying about it.

jimmycooper

Just do whatever you want to do whenever you want to do it and things will somehow, some way eventually fall into place. While TheSquealer is giving some excellent advice, that's just what works for him. It also actually happens to be quite similar to what has worked for me over the years but it's not the only way. If you want to treat a girl like a princess, that's fine, just figure out a better way to do it. You can read a million articles in like GQ or Details, you can get tons of advice from people on internet forums, or you can read dozens of books but what matters most is personal experience and that takes time.

WannabeMiddleMan

Regarding hero's, Harvey from the series Suits is a hero to me.

He doesn't take shit, he's never under pressure, he always has the answer and he is one of the best closers, in the show he can take any woman home.

I have in business said to myself, what would Harvey do - as on the show he finds creative ways to deal with issues and he is able to read people, able to handle situations tactfully etc.

Maybe I need to apply this Harvey attitude to more of my life, particularly dating.

Not being the nice guy is going to be an extreme change as that is the only approach I have ever used, and to be honest I haven't got far - not far at all.

Maybe its time for a change, maybe I should show some attitude, let them know I'm awesome and they would be lucky to be with me.

I see myself as always being a gentleman, from bringing her a chair to opening the door etc etc

I once nearly even asked a friend if he would rather let his girlfriend walk so he could give this girl a lift instead - she saw this and it didn't go down well.

Truth is, I could write a decent list of times that I think I've made mistakes with this girl that we're discussing now.

L-Pink

Never try to be what you think someone wants. Be yourself, a short lived relationship isn't a failure it's what was meant to be. Don't force anything, don't change. Smile, be courteous, move on.

The one person I guarantee you will wake up with every morning and need to be satisfied with is yourself.

Are you happy with yourself?

jimmycooper

Yeah, it's a good movie. It came out when I was in college. Here's another scene...

The Porn Nerd

This is the only post you need in this situation. It helped me think, too, and I am not facing what you are dealing with (but have in the past).

When I was shaken and depressed about a girl leaving me (we lived together and one day when I got home I saw her bags packed) I turned to the Internet and Googled 'How to get over your ex-girlfriend" and found a great Blog with many experiences. They all ended up like the advice from TheSquealer. There were so many guys sharing the basic aftermath of a breakup (how they felt, the obsession/depression, etc) that it took me like 5 days to read everything. LOL But it helped (misery loves company) and then, after a couple weeks or so, I went out and met some girls. In time I was fine.

So don't let a lot of your life go by focusing on this situation. Focus on the FUTURE man. Set Goals, be social, work out, watch funny movies, work harder and it will all be in the past before you realize it. Good luck!

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Jel

great troll, is this the same person all week doing these? I'm very impressed

PaperstreetWinston

LOL mah mahn

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jimmycooper

Excellent advice.

The Porn Nerd

Here's some free advice that will actually change your life:

Do not "be yourself". Be who you WANT to be. What do I mean? From your approach with this girl to your posts about this subject here, it is obvious that you do not even know who "you" are yet. Which is ok and perfectly normal. Sometimes tho "fake it til you make it" can be powerful, as long as you choose a persona that doesn't lead you to be an arrogant asshole. LOL

Google Cary Grant/Archie Leech and see how he transformed his life from a cockney circus clown (yes) into one of the most sophisticated, charming and impressive leading men in Hollywood history.

Cheers!

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