Rinaldo

Ok,
My last two reviews were of two incredibly shitty movies. If you recall Hidden treasure was a total piece of shit and had it not been for me negotiating free popcorn and coke refills I would have gone postal when I went and sat through 3 hours of Gay filth other wise known as ALEXANDER

However,
I went to see Blade Trinity on accident. We'd gone to see ocean's Twelve and it had been sold out. On a Tuesday no less... and I had received bad reviews from a credible source that Blade Trinity was not a good movie.

We ended up settling for Blade trinity.
Let me sum up the movie with this analogy.
It's Matrix2/Daredevil/Van WIlder all in one.

Yea total surprise to see none other than the wise ass Van Wilder star himself as Blades' Gay backdoor go to guy. (pun there for the retards)

THis movie was a dissapointment from a blade sequel perspective, since it's nothing like the first 2. Blade himself talks more than he normally does and the action scenes make you want to vomit from all the camera shake.

Had it not been for Van Wilder this movie would have blown. It's a quality movie on it's own if you don't compare it to the first 2 and if you go expecting the worst movie imagineable as I did.

I recommend it, if not for a blade sequel, atleast for a laugh.
Thank God/Allah/Moses/Ghandi/Imnotep (pick one damnit) that I went in expecting the worst.

Your GFY movie critic-

jwerd

Thanks bro. I plan on seeing it, since I'm a blade fan and it can't be as much of a disapointment as the last matrix movies, can it?

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Meta Ridley

I hate corny action films. Will never see it.

Rinaldo

It didn't ruin the trilogy like the matrix three did... but it's close... I think it's better to see it as a standalone... not as a sequel

Phoenix

they had an awesome story....that they almost told

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Kevsh

Great insight, Ebert. With all due respect, don't quit your day job.

Denis_SC

I went to watch it yesterday ....

It was aight ......

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C-Bass

There is no way i am payin $15 to see ANY movie when i can just wait 2 months for it to come out in dvd and BUY IT for the exact same price.

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Rinaldo

I think that the best Vampire movie to date is Interview with ... Vampire.

the sequel queen of the damned killed it too... lol what's up with shitty vampire sequels... the fucked up part is I can watch that movie over and over since it is a Vampire flick. I think that when you replace actors and expect them to hold the realism and the crowd's attention you make a big mistake... in Queen of the damned they could used absolutely 0 CGI and saved money even after paying TomCruise and Brad Pitt.
then It'd be a quality movie

Rinaldo

Well since My foulmouth would probably expel me from any future movie review offers, You have nothing to worry about. I'm not going anywhere fucktoy

Tanker

I liked blade 3 but I didnt see the first two

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Pearl Noir Studio

I liked the first two blade movies. But any movie that they use another actor for must sucks. Why not use the same one again. It must because he saw that this movie would suck big time.

Thanks for the review i think i will download that movie to check it out.

NoCarrier

1/4 "Blade:Trinity gives us front row seats to watch the end of Wesley's career and the career of Parker "Former Indie Queen" Posey."
-- Willie Waffle, WAFFLEMOVIES.COM


1.5/4 "This messy action-horror film is by far the most unpleasant, most unwatchable movie in what's already been a pretty sketchy trilogy."
-- Jeff Vice, DESERET NEWS, SALT LAKE CITY


C "If Blade himself can't carry a movie with his own name on it, then perhaps the time has come to hang up the stakes for good."
-- Rob Vaux, FLIPSIDE MOVIE EMPORIUM


2/4 "This script is embarrassingly sloppy."
-- Lawrence Toppman, CHARLOTTE OBSERVER


"I hope this is the end, that it?s three and out for the Blade franchise."
-- Richard Roeper, EBERT & ROEPER

2/4 "Diverting but dumb and more goth than gothic, Blade: Trinity builds up to a less-than-epochal smackdown."
-- Carrie Rickey, PHILADELPHIA INQUIRER

1/5 "The suck principle is making up for lost time. It's almost bad enough to implicate its predecessors."
-- Geoff Pevere, TORONTO STAR

1/4 "Lacks anything vaguely resembling a plot, while failing to deliver suspense or thrills."
-- V.A. Musetto, NEW YORK POST

2/5 "While the first two movies were efficient if not highbrow entertainment, the latest film abandons even the pretense of having a story."
-- Bill Muller, ARIZONA REPUBLIC

1/4 "Posey continues to find work, and even in a movie as beneath her as this one is, she's always fully engaged. The rest of Blade: Trinity is content to coast."
-- Rene Rodriguez, MIAMI HERALD

1.5/4 "It's a 'ten-minute movie.' Watching any ten minutes is more than enough."
-- Steve Rhodes, STEVE RHODES' INTERNET REVIEWS

1.5/4 "So far from the original Blade, that were it not for Wesley Snipes, you would probably think that it was a spin-off."
-- Craig Roush, KINNOPIO'S MOVIE REVIEWS

C "Most writers think you should choose one plot and stick to it. But Goyer decided that instead of going with just one plot possibility, he could go with several."
-- Audrey Rock-Richardson, TOOELE TRANSCRIPT-BULLETIN (UTAH)


"It?s a witless sequel at a time when this series should have upped the stakes."
-- Mark Palermo, COAST (HALIFAX, NOVA SCOTIA)

1/5 "what you might expect from a teenager: a quick-paced arcade game set to an obnoxiously loud, mind-numbing metal, hip-hop, and techno score"
-- Christopher Null, FILMCRITIC.COM

C- "...filled with characters straight out of central casting."
-- Rebecca Murray, ABOUT.COM

1.5/4 "An unnecessary third installment of an action-movie franchise running on fumes."
-- Sean Means, SALT LAKE TRIBUNE

2/4 "feels like a quickie film thrown together in the vain (vein?) attempt to resurrect an ailing franchise"
-- Sean McBride, SEAN THE MOVIE GUY


2/4 "Blade Trinity seems a smidgen too jazzed by its extravagant cruelty."
-- David Kronke, LOS ANGELES DAILY NEWS


2.5/5 "If you have ADD, like quick scenes, goofy dialogue and music videos, then this is the film for you."
-- Stefan Halley, HERO REALM

"Even Parker Posey?s turn as a campy vampiress feels phoned in, as if she is making bank in order to stomach the deferred or minimal pay of her next ten indie pet projects. "
-- Todd Gilchrist, FILMSTEW.COM

1.5/4 "A character looks directly into the camera and gives the audience the middle finger. That seems a tad bit stand-offish, wouldn't you say?"
-- Mark Dujsik, MARK REVIEWS MOVIES

C "Let?s face it: the Blade movies have always been better than they should?ve been..."
-- Scott Collura, NOW PLAYING MAGAZINE

1/4 "A sad way to end the series--not with a bang, but with a simper."
-- Walter Chaw, FILM FREAK CENTRAL

"It's sad to see Wesley Snipes standing around on the sidelines while his franchise is hijacked by a bunch of obnoxious, wisecracking white kids."
-- Sean Burns, PHILADELPHIA WEEKLY

1.5/4 "Blade: Trinity begins with the vamps digging up the long-dormant Dracula, who is apparently a Slovakian runway model enamored of bare-chested couture."
-- Rob Blackwelder, SPLICEDWIRE

'2.5/4' "Lots of posing, scowling, quipping, leather-modeling and slow-mo cool-walkin'."
-- John Beifuss, COMMERCIAL APPEAL (MEMPHIS, TN)

D "The third time out for the vampire-hunting superhero is no charm."
-- Sean Axmaker, SEATTLE POST-INTELLIGENCE


http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/blade_trinity/

'nuff said

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Rinaldo

They didn't use any "replacement " actors... I was referring to Queen of the Damned.

Prob with this movie is it introduces too many too fast... allowing for zero charecter develpment so it leaves the viewer not giving a flying fuck if that new charecter dies crossing the street or choking on a cock...

xclusive

I liked it but it could have been way better...

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Kevsh

ok, let me give it a try so you can flame my ass:

Going in to Blade: Trinity I had my reservations. The second installment was a big disappointment and the trailers for part 3 weren't promising. This time Blade (Wesley Snipes) has two side-kicks (read: eye candy to sell more tickets).

The first is Ryan Reynolds (aka Van Wilder) who the producers obviously felt was a critical component in adding some humour to the mix. As anyone in Hollywood will tell you, action sells okay, comedy better. But both? Blockbuster.

The other is Jessica Biel who plays a bow and arrow-toting bad "chick". This is the new rage in Hollywood after Trinity (coincidence?) in the Matrix movies got so much press.

Okay, how about the story. It's fairly predictable. Bad vampires awake the grand daddy of all nightcrawlers and presumably after a few thousand years in a sand pit, he's a little disgruntled.

He is apparently the original vampire and father figure to every blood sucker to follow. The only problem is he looks and dresses more like a don juan/stud-muffin you'd find in working the crowd in a SoBe night club. Intimidating? No. Not even with the deeeep voice overs.

So Blade decides he better do away with Vampire Sr. and the fight is on. Along the way a serum is invented which will wipe out the vampires for good - and presumably any sequels.

The catch is, they have to mix it with the hunk's blood ... so Blade and the Grecian cabana boy meet in a rather dull fight in the climax.

Reynolds get's the chuckles with one-liners and sarcasm, a little too much perhaps: I'd say by the 1-hour mark you want to slap him yourself. Throw in a cute chow-chow with killer fangs and Triple H and the one area this movie beats it's prequels is in laughs.

The other notable is the appearance of adult industry Icon Platinum Rinaldo in a cameo. You'll blink if you miss it but look for the scene in the goth store and outside the window there he is breaking into someone's parked Gremlin. Not sure if that was actually supposed to be in the film but he'll take his 15 minutes anyway he can.

Rinaldo

I liked it... however I hate reviews where they tell you too much info... you were on the brink of telling too many details.
My review was written for you to laugh at, and take with a grain of salt. Yours was written to sound more like a real critic... I think you my friend are the one that should be encouraged to keep thy day job.

As for my cameo... yes yes I must admit to you all I am beating the shit out of a gremlin in the background. I thought it fitting to mention that my hand still hurts because the Runway Model "dracula" was such a bad actor the director had to do 64 takes. Fuck bad actors.

bllott

I watched that movie, it was total shit, so were all the other ones listed especially the gay filth of alexander.

is ocean's twelve any good?

Kevsh

hey, I tried to be a bit funny!!!

btw, is that true: 64 takes?? True, he was an awful actor and I doubt we'll be seeing him any time soon.

Rinaldo

64 takes... I'm sure
You can tell the guy got the job because someone wanted to fuck him or he was already fucking someone on the crew... the guy's a total moron

axelcat

thanks for the review

David!

I liked it, it was entertaining, and I expect to be entertained when I go to the movies

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Rinaldo

Was it well written... no one's told me

Paco, of Large Cash.

K, I do not understand: did Alexander the movie suck, or are you people pissed at the mere fact that he was bi-sexual (as were most from that time and era) and they included this in the show in order to make it as real as possible?


Blade 'Trinity' (or whatever), is merely an action flick ... I do not expect anything intelligent to come out of that ... all one should expect is some great eye candy (fight sequences and a ton of blood and explosions) ... not any real acting.
It is not possible for an action flick to acquire a 4 out of 5 ... Just ask Arnie.

Matrix, the first one was great ... the others sucked big poo, just like the last two Star Wars additions.

Irrum

Thanks Rinaldo for the tip!! You are my favourite movie critic

Rinaldo

As for your critique of the common action flick you are correct. I don't think matrix 1 should be considered an action movie it was more philosophical and new age.... it made you think

As for Alexander being a homo movie... no that is not why I made my opinion on the movie's quality... from a film making point of view the movie sucked a huge cock and choked on it.
It was horrible cinematography, bad screen writing and atrocious acting.
I merely point out that it's a HOMO flick because I thought that would be the best way to deter my fellow pornographers from viewing such a disgusting display of hollywood.

kmanrox

50 Siskel & Eberts

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bryany

I liked it

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Rinaldo

I'm happy for you

AnaNicole

thanks for letting us know!

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Top Jimmy

I'll download it from the newsgroups today, and watch in on my huge ass tv tonight

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uno

3 was soooo bad. I loved 1 and loved two even more. I had high hopes and they were trashed, then stomped on. How did you like the shameless ipod ad?

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uno

Oceans 12 is decent and worth a watch, but not as good as the first.

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Penthouse Tony

<plot hole> In the first two movies the vampires have their own language. You would think Dracula would know how to speak that rather than english. </plot hole>

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The Bootyologist

thanks for the review , i know that took a while