How to Poop at Work

[pornguy]

I know that this does not affect most of us, but it's a very useful survival guide to keep around for when porn is banned by Bush and we have to get a regular job:

HOW to POOP at WORK
We've all been there but don't like to admit it. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the "Work Poop" is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work,
the following is the Survival Guide for doing it.


CROP DUSTING:
When farting, you walk briskly around the office so the smell is not in your area and everyone else gets a whiff but doesn't know where it came from.
Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to make sure the smell has left your pants.


FLY BY:
This is the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping.
Walk in and check for other poopers.
If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again.
Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER.
People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.


ESCAPEE:
This is a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of embarrassment.
If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it .
Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it.

No one likes an Escapee. It is uncomfortable for all involved.
Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.


JAILBREAK:
When forcing a poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace.
This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover.
If this should happen, do not panic ! Remain in the stall until everyone has
left the bathroom to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.


COURTESY FLUSH:

The act of flushing the toilet the instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of airtime the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.


WALK OF SHAME:
Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. This very un-
comfortable walk can be avoided with the use of the "Courtesy Flush".


OUT of the CLOSET POOPER:
This is a colleague who poops at work and is damn proud of it.
You will often see an "Out of the Closet Pooper" enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under his or her arm.
Always look around the office for the "Out of the Closet Pooper" before entering the bathroom.


THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (P.F.N):
A group of co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the where-abouts of "Out of the Closet Poopers" and identify SAFE HAVENS.


SAFE HAVENS:
A Safe Haven is a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom


TURD BURGLAR:
This is someone who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a poop at work! If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.


CAMO-COUGH:
A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall is called a Camo-Cough.
This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars.
The Camo-Cough is very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.


ASTAIRE:
An Astaire is a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall ! This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bath-room immediately so
the pooper can poop in peace.


WATERMELON:
A watermelon is a big poop that creates a loud splash
when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.


HAVANA OMELET:
A case of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes
in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee.
Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.


UNCLE TODD:
An Uncle Todd is a bathroom user who seems
to linger around for-ever. This person could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot.
An Uncle Todd makes it difficult
to relax while on the crapper, as you should always
wait to poop when the bathroom is empty.
This benefits you as well as other bathroom attendees.

We hope the Survival Guide helps,
as the "WORK POOP" is an
in-evitable part of life !

[Goldmaniacs]

No shit but most people on gfy work from home

[Thurbs]

lol I used to destroy the bathroom at work, I'd use the handicap toilet that had the sensor to flush so there was no courtesy flush ;)

[wdsguy]

this is way too true.

[pocketkangaroo]

The safe haven is so true. In college there was this bathroom in the basement of the dorms that no one used. I'd take a magazine down and spend a good 20 minutes in there having some of the greatest poops of my life.

[Platinumpimp]

[StickyGreen]

damn this shit just had me crackin up...

[surfer on acid]

I personaly like the upper decker.

1. Take off the top of the toilet.
2. Shit in where the fresh water is.
3. When the next person flushes, they get stinky, shity water.

[boner 2.0]

*cough*
*cough*

[SilverTab]

I first found that text on a BBS...this was in 94-95....

then I saw it again on a newsgroup, around 97...

I also saw it the first year I joined GFY... in 2001...!

;)

[MandyBlake]

that is funny.

[Spunky]

Poopin is cool

[wedouglas]

This was hilarious. They are all so true.

[Hornydog4cooter]

I hate the JAILBREAKERS and TURD BURGLARS


But i do practice the CAMO-COUGH

[EdgeXXX]

[jollyperv]

lol, "walk of shame"

[ruler1]

Originally Posted by surfer on acid

I personaly like the upper decker.

1. Take off the top of the toilet.
2. Shit in where the fresh water is.
3. When the next person flushes, they get stinky, shity water.

HAHAHA

[woj]

Originally Posted by surfer on acid

I personaly like the upper decker.

1. Take off the top of the toilet.
2. Shit in where the fresh water is.
3. When the next person flushes, they get stinky, shity water.

damn, you sick bastard

[Vitasoy]

haha... this thread cracks me up

[surfer on acid]

Originally Posted by woj

damn, you sick bastard

This one fucker fired me over some stupid shit when i was like 16, i left an upper decker in his private br. my buddy that still worked there told me they called a plumber cause they thiought there was something wrong with it.

[John69]

great post, i liked the Fly By

[BIGTYMER]

Lmao!

[tristan_D]

different strokes for different folks