So A Guy Walks Into A Bar... (Pix)

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

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[FlexxAeon]

thanks

[xxweekxx]

hahahahahah

[danevans]

So, a baby seal walks into a club...

..always loved that joke, nothing against baby seals

[PornMD]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

There we go.

[Scott McD]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

Hahaha!

[Phoenix]

sean connery for the win

[munki]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

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[Konkan]

wuaaaaahahahahaha

[fatfoo]

Sport can be dangerous.
The athlete in the first photograph is very unfortunate.
I want to wish good luck to all athletes who improve physique and fitness.

[Zuzana Designs]

Lolz.................

[Chosen]

[LeRoy]

Ive been using that Duck joke for years.

In fact I pulled it off last Friday @ Happy hour lol

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

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[Vendzilla]

[Spunky]

Har har @ the Obama joke

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Originally Posted by Vendzilla

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[woj]

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Originally Posted by woj

I know...

A Panda walks into a bar and orders a beer and a hamburger. After he eats, the Panda stands up stretches and pulls out a gun, shooting everyone in the room but the bartender.

The Panda puts $20 on the bar and turns to leave. As he walks out the door the bartender asks why the Panda shot everyone. The Panda tells him to look in the encyclopedia.

The bartender looks up Panda and he reads "Panda: Large black and white mammal native to China. Eats shoots and leaves."

-----

A Scotsman, an Englishman, and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.

"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me one fer free!"

"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guinness and they give me a third one free!"

"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "In my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give you the first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs and you have sex for FREE!"

"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"

"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

-----

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

-----

Two guys walk into a bar...the third guy ducks.



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[Raf1]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

now the whole office is wondering what the hell I'm laughing about so loud

[ottopottomouse]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking,
the monkey jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool
table and grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you
see what your monkey just did?"

"No, what?"

"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight.
Sorry! I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff."

The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and
leaves.

Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a
drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it
up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.

Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and
eats it.

The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"

"No, what?" replied the man.

"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and
ate them!" said the bartender.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in
sight, but ever since he had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."

[Zayne E.]

A hamburger walks into a bar, hops up on a bar stool and says to the bartender, "give me a beer!" The bartender replies, "I'm sorry...we don't serve food here."

[Chicks Delivery]

Funny thread!

[Serial Pervert]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

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[Dirty Lord]

the best one!



LULS

[John-ACWM]

Loved the 1st and the last, thanks for the laughs!

[Cyber Fucker]

lol  

[dyna mo]

[bloggerz]

[kristin]

The Duck one is pretty funny, Sean wins though.

[michael.kickass]

I love these threads.

[Eric]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

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http://washedupcelebrities.blogspot....-schwartz.html

[Tom_PM]

Taylor Swift walks into a bar and....

...Yo I really like you and I'ma let you finish but Sean Connery's got the best walk into a bar of all time.

[JFK]

Funny shit in here eats shoots and leaves

[dyna mo]

Originally Posted by Eric

http://washedupcelebrities.blogspot....-schwartz.html

damn, i didn't know anastasia blue offed herself.

[A-n-D-r-E-S]

Originally Posted by AsianDivaGirlsWebDude

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

Originally Posted by Eric

http://washedupcelebrities.blogspot....-schwartz.html

Looks like little Scotty Schwartz was licking things other than poles when his mainstream career dried up...

Like many former child stars, puberty was very harsh on Schwartz and basically killed his career. Schwartz stopped growing shortly after he reached 5 feet in height (according to his MySpace page he is 5"2' tall).

Desperate to make a buck in the entertainment world Schwartz turned to porn when no regular acting roles were available. He appeared in movies such as Beauty and the Beast 2 (1990), Scotty's X-rated Adventure (1996), New Wave Hookers 5 (1997), The Wrong Snatch (1997) and Dirty Bob's Xcellent Adventures 35 & 36 (both 1997). He even won an AVN Award (the apparent porn equivalent to an Oscar) in 1997 for "Best Non-Sexual Performance" in Silver Screen Confidential (1996).

May the Schwartz be with you!

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[sojproductions]

the duck one is awesome..

[tranza]

Lol, this thread rocks!! Keep them coming guys!!

[Adam X]

Drunk guy walks in the front door of a bar..orders a beer.
Bartender says no man I can't serve you you're drunk. So the man walks out the front door and comes in the side door and says hey I wanna order a beer. The bartender says no man you're drunk I can't serve you. The drunk guy walks out the side door and comes in the front door then orders a beer. The bartender says no man sorry I can't serve you you're drunk. The man walks out the front door and comes in the side door and orders a beer. Bartender says sorry man I cant serve you you're drunk. The man looks up and says damn dude how many bars do you work at?! ;-D

[AsianDivaGirlsWebDude]

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog by its hind legs, and suddenly starts swinging the dog around in a circle. The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what do you think you're doing?"

The blind guy replies, "Don't mind me, I'm just looking around."

-----

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night with his friends. The bartender finally said that the bar was closing. So then he stood up to leave and fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time but with the same result. He figured he should crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will sober him up.

Once outside he stood up and fell flat on his face again. So he decided to crawl the 4 blocks to his home. When he arrived at the door he tried to stand up again and fell flat on his face. He crawled through the door and into his bedroom.

When he reached his bed he tried one more time to stand up. This time he managed to pull himself upright, but he quickly fell right into bed and was sound asleep as soon as his head hit the pillow.

He was awakened the next morning to his wife standing over him, shouting, ?So, you?ve been out drinking again have you?!??

?What makes you say that?? he asked, putting on an innocent look.

?The pub called, you left your wheelchair there again.?

-----

A priest meets a drunk outside a bar. The drunk claims to be Jesus. The priest disagrees, but the man still insists that he is Jesus.

Finally, the exasperated priest says, ?That is blasphemy, can you prove it??

"You have to buy me a drink if I do", says the drunk.

The priest agrees, and the drunk says, ?come with me.? They go inside the bar, and the bartender immediately shouts out, ?Jesus Christ, not you again??

-----

A Chinese guy walks into a bar.

The bartender is black.

Chinese guys says, "Gimmie a jigger, n*gger!"

The black guy is shocked, but gives him a shot.

The Chinese guy does the same thing again, "Gimmie a jigger, n*gger!"

The black guy gets pissed but still gives him another shot.

The Chinese guy then says it again.

The black guy by now is royally pissed.

He yells, "You get back here! I'm going to do the same thing to you, and you can see how it feels."

The black guy storms out, and the Chinese guy gets behind the bar.

The black guy walks in and yells, "Gimmie a drink, chink!"

The Chinese guys says,

"Sorry. We don't serve n*ggers here!"

-----

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walk into a pub together. They each buy a pint of Guinness. Just as they are about to enjoy their creamy beverages, a fly lands in each of their pints and gets stuck in the frothy head.

The Englishman pushes his beer away in disgust.

The Scotsman fishes the fly out and continues drinking as if nothing happened.

The Irishman also picks the fly out of his drink, but then holds it out over the beer and yells, "Spit it out! Spit it out, you little bastard!"

-----

A man walks into a bar, sits down, and says to the guy next to him, "Hey, you wanna hear a great Polish joke?"

"Listen, pal," the guy replies. "I'm Poland's kick-boxing champion. My two friends here are both world-ranked judo masters, and they're Polish, too. Now, you still want to tell that joke?"

"Nah," the man replies, "I don't feel like explaining it three times."

-----

This old couple walks into the bar, and the husband goes over and starts flirting with some young women. The bartender observes this and finally asks the wife, "Doesn't it bother you that your husband is always making passes at the younger women around here?"

"No, no, no, not really," the wife said earnestly, "I mean, dogs chase cars, but that doesn't mean they know how to drive."

-----

A guy walked into a pub and immediately noticed a young lady at the bar on her own. After a couple of drinks, he decided to offer her a drink and make small talk.

"What's your name?" he asked.

"Carmen," she replied.

"That's a nice name," he said. "Did your mother or father name you that?"

"Neither," she said. "I changed my name when I was 18 from Sharon to Carmen."

"Why did you do that?" he asked.

"Well," she explained, "I like men and I like cars, so that's how I got my name.

Well, what's your name?" she asks back.

The man thought about it a moment, and then replied, "Beertits".

-----

With a sheep under his arm, a drunk man walks into the bar and confronts his wife.

"I knew I would find you in here getting sloshed! This is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache," he says.

The wife drunkenly looks up at him and replies, "That's not a pig, it's a sheep."

He answers, "I wasn't talking to you."

-----

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and orders a drink. He notices a monkey in a cage behind the bar and asks about it.

"You don't want to know," answers the bartender.

A few beers later, the guy says, "Come on, I gotta know what the deal is with the monkey."

"OK, I'll show you," says the bartender. He then takes the animal out of the cage and whacks it on the head with a bat. The monkey pulls down the bartender's pants and starts giving him a blow job. He looks at the guy and says, "You want to try it?"

"Hell, yeah," says the guy. "Just don't hit me that hard."

-----

Some quickie one-liners:

? A termite went in a bar and asked, "Is the bar tender here?"

? Three mathematicians walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have ducked.

? A rabbi, a priest, a nun, a blonde, and a duck, all walk into a bar together. The bartender looks up and says, "What is this? A joke?"

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[marlboroack]

Lol @ the last joke! Lololololololol

[marlboroack]

i laughed so hard @ that senegal