The Spam Man: 'Shave off your beard and I'll send you every penny I have'
 

http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage...ny-I-have.html

THESE days there's more spam in inboxes than pensioners' larders.

The vast majority of recipients wisely delete the bogus emails, commonly designed to con the naïve out of money, but one trusting man has enough time on his hands to take the senders' proposals seriously ? with hilarious consequences.


Self-professed Hero of Dundee Bob Servant ? the 64-year-old alter-ego of author and journalist Neil Forsyth ? has made a habit of engaging the fraudsters in online conversations.


The outcome is always the same ? he gives the culprits hope before slowly ebbing it away via a series of absurd requests, questions and observations about their so-called grand plans.


He managed to get a man claiming to be a Liberian refugee embroiled in a debate about Dawn French and demanded an 'Australian businessman' ? who sent a picture of himself ? shave off his beard before agreeing to wire money to him.


The latter does as asked, emailing the same snap with the facial hair digitally rubbed out.


The email exchanges are among those that appear in new book Why Me? The Very Important Emails Of Bob Servant by Neil Forsyth.


Read the two rib-tickling chapters in full below.

Sad Times Publishing 2




From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Help me


Hello my Dearest,

Due to my critical condition right now i will not hesitate to make known to you all about me so please do not deter as i am going to expose a lot about myself and background here to you. I am residing in Beylane camp as a refugee and as a refugee here i don't have any right or privileged to any thing be it money or whatever because it is against the law of this country.

My name is Mr Owen Bell, am 24 years old. I am from Liberia in West Africa. Am the only child of my parents and am studying law in the university before my parents past away. And my hope and aim to becoming a successful lawyer, but now my parents are no more. they were killed by civil war going on in my country.

My late father Dr Patrick Bell, before his death deals and owned a company in Monrovia Liberia,

Please listen to this and try to keep it to your self only. When my father was alive, he deposited some money in a bank and he used my name as next of kin. Now due to my refugee status and the law guiding this camp,



i cannot make claims by myself, i need a partner preferably a foreigner who will stand on my behalf to the bank

I am helpless without you, i am having no account, no raw money at hand for it is my wish to further life abroad. Send to me Your Full names, address , occupation and telephone number:


Mr Owen Bell

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From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Quick one


Owen,

Ever thought of writing a book? Your Servant,

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------------------


From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: What do you mean?


What is this about a book I am telling you about my troubles here in the camp so you must pay attention and read again the email. I need you to stand for me to the bank

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Here's the gist of it


Owen,

Apologies, let me tell you a little more. I am the managing editor of an English publisher called Sad Times Publishing. We print, as you'll have guessed, sad stories and in recent years we've had some of the biggest selling sad stories in England including -


My Head Is A Whirpool And I Can't Swim – The Troubled Mind of Vernon Kay


Sticks and Stones Broke My Bones – The Rise and Fall of Wolf from Gladiators


Dumped! How I Pulled Myself Together and Learnt To Love Again by Chancellor of the Exchequer George Osborne


I think your story could fit very comfortably indeed into our catalogue. We pay generously for the right stories and I think you're sitting on a cracker (not in a saucy way).

Are you in?

Bob Servant

Managing Editor

Sad Times Publishing

----------------------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: My price


Dear Bob

OK I understand. Well my story would sell millions of books all through the world and there could be a movie and TV for sure so for you it is chance to be rich. my story would be worth $1m and this is true Bob if you work it out so this my start price and now we talk.


Owen

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Absolute belter


Owen

Thanks for your email. I've not laughed that much since the first Gulf War. A million dollars eh? Let me tell you something pal. A couple of years back it was in the papers that Dawn French got a million quid for her autobiography. And that's Frenchy we're talking about, Owen, Frenchy. Now, Owen, you're going to have to help me here. How in God's name can you say you should get the same as old Frenchy?

I attach a link and 'screen grab' of the famous scene from Vicar of Dibley where Frenchy falls into a puddle. Beat that. https://youtube.com/watch?v=rUpBT...eature=related

Yours, Bob

----------------------------


From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is easy and not a book


Bob,

This is easy to do and in fact you shoold know that anyone with camera and rainfall is possible. any anyway Bob this is not a book this is a movie so how can you compare. I have told you some of my story but not all and you would not have written me if you did not see the book this could be.

I told you this is just my start price and now we talk so make me counter offer


Owen

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: You're not Frenchy


Owen,

Yes you could jump in a puddle but Frenchy was the first person to do it and that's why she's one of the nation's favourite 'funny women' and you're not. Sorry to be so blunt, Owen, but someone has to tell you. You're wasting your time pretending to be Frenchy when you should be out working hard to provide for your family.


Bob

----------------------------


From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: You're not Frenchy


How can i work when i am in a refugee camp what is going on in your mind? This woman cannoy be the first person to fall into puddle you ask what is wrong with me but what is wrong with you? i am not pretending to be anyone but i think you are pretending to be someone with this nonsense

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Owen Bell

Subject: Give Up


Owen,

OK, let me make this even clearer for you. You are not Dawn French. I'm sorry, Owen, I'm sure it stings to read it in black and white like that, but you're a big boy and you need to accept it.

You are not Dawn French, Owen, and, no matter how hard you try, you never will be.


Don't shoot the messenger,


Bob

----------------------------

From: Owen Bell

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Give Up


I DO NOW WANT TO BE DAWN FENCH TODAY OR ANY DAY YOU ARE SO STUPID AND YOU TELL ME TO GIVE UP WELL IT IS TIME YOU GIVE UP

The Vanishing Beard




From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Do Not Ignore This


Dear Respected Sir,

I got your contact email address through internet research as i was conducting researches to link-up a reliable foreign partner to help me carry out this transaction. On coming accross your contact, i was touched spiritually and physically to connect you, with great feelings that you might be of great help to me.

I live here in Australia and work for the Australia Investments Corp. To be very honest with you, this business i have introduced to you is very genuine and highly benefitial. i have the absolute convinction that you will neither betray nor disappoint me in this transaction. I have access to a fund which if is not claimed after eight years it will enter into the bank's treasury and becomes the inherittance of the Australian government but instead I could transfer to you.

If this sounds like what you want and need then contacts me right away. Please trust in me just as i have trusted you before opening the secret of this business to you because about 99.9% of all genuine transactions all over the world is based on mutual trust and understanding. You will see the form to fill in here.


Thanks and best regards


Alistair Ross

Australia Investments Corp

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Quick snap?


Hi Alistair,

Sounds great, can you please send a photo of yourself for my records? Your Servant,

Bob Servant

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: This is no problem


Hello bob yes this is no problem for photo here is me in my private office. Ok well now we can procede?




From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Let's lose the beard


Morning champ,

OK here's my position. I don't like beards, Alistair, I don't like them at all. About forty years ago I saw a documentary about a guy with a beard who led a gang of young pickpockets in London and then one of the kids started singing as if someone had his little balls in a vice and, oh dear, the whole thing was awful.

So Alistair, it's very simple. Simply shave off your beard and sit back in that same chair in that same office and send me a new photo. I will then send you every single penny I have as well as my neighbour Frank's pension book and 'flat screen' TV.

Because, don't get me wrong, Alistair, I can see your potential. You, Alistair, are wearing a sandwich board saying 'Opportunity', a top hat saying 'Trust Me' and, if I may, a pair of pants embroidered with the phrase

'Work Hard' at the front and, if I may, 'Play Hard', at the back. That last bit was all metaphors.

Look forward to seeing the new photo,


Bob

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: I cannot do this


Bob,

I cannot do this because my wife likes my beard and in fact it was her idea. If you're married man then this will work for you. Just fill in the form or if you want to send your whole money for investment purposes this is fine too. I do not need your friend TV I have one that is doing OK. Thank you for the metaphor i get message and you right this is

'OPPORTUNITY' and i will so hard for you you will be amazed.


Alistair

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Stand up to her


Alistair,

Don't let your wife be your boss. You'll end up like the Duke of Edinburgh who has to ask the Queen before he goes to the toilet. So I apologise to you and your dragon of a wife, Alistair, but if you want to do business then the beard has to go.


Bob

----------------------------

From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Not important


Bob,

The beard does not matter in business bob you must know this. Send your information anyway.


Alistair

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Goodbye


Alistair,

I have made my position clear. Until I see the photo as requested I will be playing deaf to your emails.


Goodbye,


Bob

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Trust me


Bob

Come on this is not important and why does photo have to be the same. You don't trust me! bob why not? Send the information.


Alistair

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Answer me


Bob? not heard from you, send something today.

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: OK here it is


OK Bob here is photo like you ask, I have removed my beard even if it causes problem with my wife. Now send your data now or if you want whole money invested I have many opportunities that you will like.




----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: RE: OK here it is


Please tell me that you're joking.

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: Of course not a joke


Bob this is business not joking what is problem?

----------------------------


From: Bob Servant

To: Alistair Ross

Subject: Have a guess


What do you think the problem might be?

----------------------------


From: Alistair Ross

To: Bob Servant

Subject: RE: Have a guess


i really do not know bob can you send me your details to arrange investment?

McRib tickler is back.