shit my dad says
 

very funny twitter acct

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays

150k followers in less than a month.

Impressive.

my fav

"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit."9:56 AM Aug 14th from web

Following: 1
Levar Burton

you old bastard
 

"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."

:1orglaugh

Goddamn, that just instantly reminds me of my childhood friends stepfather. What an asshole he was. He'd always talk about how he keeps the roof over their heads, and until you're 18 and on your own, you will do what he says and thank him for it.
:321GFY

:1orglaugh:1orglaugh pretty funny stuff

:thumbsup:thumbsup

"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"

:1orglaugh

reminds me of this you guy

https://youtube.com/watch?v=rqtr_RvR3sY

haha funny stuff

Funny shit mang

"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."

my second fave

i just lol money money lol

That is some funny shit. :1orglaugh:1orglaugh:1orglaugh

and Tourette's guy, haven't seen him in years.

:thumbsup:thumbsup

My Dad loves me to death but still calls me a faggot. It's the only word he knows...gay is foreign to him. As are a lot of other words. That is what happens when you get kicked out of school in the 5th grade and become a self-made man by busting your ass.

Since my brother outed me, the conversation went like this:

Dad: I hear you are a faggot.
Me: Um, yeah, about that...
Dad: I told the guys on the job site that my son is a faggot, but that I love him no matter what.

End of discussion.

Until later he dropped on me that my brother also told him I was planning on getting married. This was back when like one state allowed domestic partnerships.

I'd like this to be the actual message on my voice mail.

"Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer."

best person to follow on twitter HANDS DOWN! LOL!

Thats so true it's not even funny, it's just..... true. :1orglaugh

95% of my vm's are "hey, it's ____________, call me back!"

Really?! The missed call alert tells me that you called.

Visual Voicemail from Verizon Wireless is my best friend. I was horrible at checking vm before I signed up. For those that don't know, it's similar to the way iPhone handles vm.

or

"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."

He actually died in a car accident. :(