How Will YOU Celebrate St. Patrick's Day? - GoFuckYourself.com

blakkfrogg · 03-12-2001, 09:35 AM

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE

St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the
2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the
other 98% completely shitfaced.

Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m.

Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and
liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant
and powders afterwards,
because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol
and other poisons, and without proper preparations,
you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a
fraternity carpet.

The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare.
Collect the following supplies and put them in a place
where you will easily be able to
find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the
bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard
heater, since that's where you'll
probably end up:

1 quart spring water
1 bottle aspirin
5 pairs Depends undergarment
1 bottle Percocet
1 gram morphine sulphate
1 oz. human adrenaline extract
1 precharged electric defibrillator
4 Cardiac needles
1 trauma surgeon

Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish
whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk
liberally throughout the day. There
is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee;
unless you ingest a large volume of artificial
stimulants throughout the course of St.
Patrick's Day, you are going to die.

Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by
8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not
drink and drive. There is no reason
to chance losing your license or killing someone in a
drunken state when you have plenty of idiot "friends"
willing to take that risk on
your behalf.

Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m.

Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this
is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in
Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in
Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every
city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone,
McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore
the fact that the bar is probably owned
by Koreans.

Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any
circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon,
and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks,
no matter what the consequences. While we do
recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask
unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By
afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer
anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely
overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit.

We recommend starting out with a few more Irish
Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you
should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be
given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped
cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will
call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette
out on your neck. Ask for coffee with
whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped
cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like
the occasional whippet.

Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m.

It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's
important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart
said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and
don't eat, he is going to die."

If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that
hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your
drinking, there are only two
options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the
carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both
will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both
have names that are hard to slur. If you start
slurring your words too early, you'll hear the second
most frightening phrase in the English language on St.

Patrick's Day: "You're cut off". [The most firghtening
phrase? As on all other days, it is simply "I'm
pregnant," especially when followed by "It's
definitely yours."]

By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to
beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout.
You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember:
beer doesn't always turn green because of food
coloring.

Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m.

By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take
long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one
on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should
look two to three times as crowded as it really is.

By now, you may be in conversation with some real
Irish people, since the person you came with has
likely been taken away by ambulance.
Some conversational points to remember when talking
to the Irish are:
Football really means Soccer, and you should be more
passionate about it than you are about your wife or
husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed,
pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and
kicked into the Liffey.

If you remember those two points, as well at least
three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can
talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to
drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you
may want to have another Irish Coffee if your
heartbeat has become
irregular.

The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing

Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to
leave the bar at closing time. This will be
impossible, since a blood alcohol content
of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing
a .35 or .40 by
now.

The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before
closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the
police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit
or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock,
anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your
fine motor control has been gone since the late
morning, but it doesn't matter since you
can't feel anything.

Depending on your community, the police should arrive
within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and
clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is
the most important: as you are being dragged
from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take
your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by
now the friend who took you to the bar should have
had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to
bail you out.

By following these simple guidelines, your St.
Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never
forget if it weren't physically,biologically impossible
for you to remember any of it. Tune in next
month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons
of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster.

------------------
Got Galleries?
Post Your Fetish Galleries Here

stangster · 03-12-2001, 09:56 AM

Wear a green t-shirt and drink a green beer!

Shocker · 03-12-2001, 10:08 AM

Much too complicated.

I'll just go with the corned beef, potatoes, cabbage and a 6-pack of Guiness.

Jamdin · 03-12-2001, 10:31 AM

I'm already planning for Guiness, Irish Red, Black & Tan, Bailey's Irish Creme, & a pot of coffee. I'll probably eat the patatoes & corn beef sometime during the day (or I might just have the cabbage & patatoes).

Of course, I'll be wearing my "Get Lucky" t-shirt from Lucky's Brewery & Pub (I need to get a new one soon since I'm wearing that one out).

Then I'll be off trying to find Lucy the Leprechaun or I will be looking for the love of Erin

------------------
Moongem Erotica Moongem Fiction

[This message has been edited by Jamdin (edited 03-12-2001).]

blakkfrogg · 03-12-2001, 10:39 AM

I think I shall be wearing my GFY shirt. Seems like the proper thing to do, don't you think? Imagine the drunken slurred conversations I'll have with people who think I'm telling them off!

------------------
Got Galleries?
Post Your Fetish Galleries Here

aprilkorova · 03-12-2001, 01:30 PM

Very funny blakkfrog

In 1991 I rec'd a gift that has ensured, that for the rest of my life (or at least for the next 21 years) that I will never party on St. Patty's Day......My son. Born March 17, 1991 at 11:48 pm. Only 12 minutes later and I'd be right there with you guys. LOL

aprilkorova · 03-12-2001, 02:04 PM

Oops, I guess I should have said, I will be celebrating St. Patricks Day by taking my boy to the two b-ball games he has to play that day (one playoff, one all-star) and then finish the day with a nice dinner out, my boy has fantastic (unfortunately expensive) taste in food and then top it off with some cake and presents.

Would you all have a drink for me?

misterwalrus · 03-12-2001, 05:45 PM

DRUNK

blackajacka · 03-12-2001, 05:47 PM

A great day it will be, hanging out and drinking in North Boston. Watching the parade and trying to stay out of the bar fights!

JT · 03-12-2001, 07:21 PM

Hey Blakkfrogg,

Email me a valid email address.
So I can get the free content to
you.

[email protected]

NakedChik · 03-13-2001, 12:20 AM

I will be working at my shit job all day. My boss will be the one out drinking, not me. My life is so sad.

jill · 03-13-2001, 12:30 AM

Blakkfrog, that was hilarious! Me, I plan to leave work early, drink green beer, then (much later) reverse-drink green beer.

------------------
Jill's Quick and Dirty Porn
"Because I like it quick and dirty!"
http://www.jills.org

Exxxotica · 03-13-2001, 02:23 AM

Going to find me a Leprechaun...and share a bowl of Lucky Charms.

You know they are Magically Delicious!

03-12-2001, 09:35 AM	#1
blakkfrogg Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: South of sobriety Posts: 582	How Will YOU Celebrate St. Patrick's Day? ST. PATRICK'S DAY SELF-HELP GUIDE St. Patrick's Day: the one day of the year when the 2% of the world's population that's Irish gets the other 98% completely shitfaced. Leg 1: 7 a.m. to 9 a.m. Rise and shine early. Take a long, hot shower, and liberally use aftershave, perfume, cologne, deodorant and powders afterwards, because by 3p.m., you will be excreting raw alcohol and other poisons, and without proper preparations, you will smell like a three-day dead cat wrapped in a fraternity carpet. The bars open at 9, so use this time to prepare. Collect the following supplies and put them in a place where you will easily be able to find it in an impaired condition. We recommend the bathroom floor, between the toilet and the baseboard heater, since that's where you'll probably end up: 1 quart spring water 1 bottle aspirin 5 pairs Depends undergarment 1 bottle Percocet 1 gram morphine sulphate 1 oz. human adrenaline extract 1 precharged electric defibrillator 4 Cardiac needles 1 trauma surgeon Brew a strong pot of coffee. Add 9 oz. Jameson Irish whiskey, drink. Note that coffee should be drunk liberally throughout the day. There is a reason that the Irish invented Irish Coffee; unless you ingest a large volume of artificial stimulants throughout the course of St. Patrick's Day, you are going to die. Arrange to be picked up to be taken to the bar by 8:45 a.m. We cannot stress enough that you should not drink and drive. There is no reason to chance losing your license or killing someone in a drunken state when you have plenty of idiot "friends" willing to take that risk on your behalf. Leg 2: 9 a.m. to 11 a.m. Arrive at the bar right when it opens. Make sure this is an Irish bar if at all possible. An Irish bar in Boston is the best alternative, since Boston in Gaelic means West Kilarney. However, almost every city in America has bars called The Blarney Stone, McSomethings, or The Dirty Mick. Just try to ignore the fact that the bar is probably owned by Koreans. Secure a barstool and do not leave it under any circumstances. The bar is liable to be packed by noon, and real Irish people do not wait in line for drinks, no matter what the consequences. While we do recommend the use of an adult undergarment to mask unpleasant smells, it really doesn't matter. By afternoon, you'll be sopping wet with spilled beer anyway, and your mild urine smell will be completely overpowered by the toxic stench of vomit. We recommend starting out with a few more Irish Coffees to spike the stimulant level, however, you should not order an "Irish Coffee," as you will be given a fruity little glass mug topped with whipped cream and a cherry, and some guy named Seamus will call you a yuppie poseur while putting a cigarette out on your neck. Ask for coffee with whiskey and ask the bartender to leave the whipped cream can, as nothing will add spice to your day like the occasional whippet. Leg 3: 11 a.m. to 2 p.m. It's lunchtime! You may not be hungry, but it's important to eat something, because like Sheriff Bart said in Blazing Saddles:" Man drink like that, and don't eat, he is going to die." If you want to maintain your buzz and not get that hideous, bloated feeling that could slow down your drinking, there are only two options: popcorn or Pop Tarts. Both have the carbohydrates you'll need to give you energy, both will soak up excess bile in your stomach, and both have names that are hard to slur. If you start slurring your words too early, you'll hear the second most frightening phrase in the English language on St. Patrick's Day: "You're cut off". [The most firghtening phrase? As on all other days, it is simply "I'm pregnant," especially when followed by "It's definitely yours."] By now, you should switch off of coffee drinks to beer. You have only one option here: Guinness stout. You may be tempted to order green beer, but remember: beer doesn't always turn green because of food coloring. Leg 4: 2 p.m. to 7 p.m. By now, the bar is definitely crowded as people take long lunches and bail out of work early to tie one on. If you're doing your job correctly, the bar should look two to three times as crowded as it really is. By now, you may be in conversation with some real Irish people, since the person you came with has likely been taken away by ambulance. Some conversational points to remember when talking to the Irish are: Football really means Soccer, and you should be more passionate about it than you are about your wife or husband, AND The English are all piss-arsed, pig-fucking bastards who should be lined up and kicked into the Liffey. If you remember those two points, as well at least three derogatory names for Margaret Thatcher, you can talk to the Irish for hours. You should continue to drink Guinness throughout this leg, although you may want to have another Irish Coffee if your heartbeat has become irregular. The Home Stretch: 7 p.m. to Closing Your goal, of course, is to be the last person to leave the bar at closing time. This will be impossible, since a blood alcohol content of .50 usually equals death, and you should be pushing a .35 or .40 by now. The only way for a true Irishman to leave a bar before closing time with honor is to be hauled away by the police. Throw a punch. It doesn't matter who you hit or why; no one's made any sense since 3 o'clock, anyway. You will be beaten mercilessly, since your fine motor control has been gone since the late morning, but it doesn't matter since you can't feel anything. Depending on your community, the police should arrive within fifteen minutes to scrape you off the floor and clap you in irons. The final impression you leave is the most important: as you are being dragged from the bar, begin screaming that you want to take your drink with you. You will be a legend, and by now the friend who took you to the bar should have had his or her stomach pumped, and will be able to bail you out. By following these simple guidelines, your St. Patrick's Day experience would be one you would never forget if it weren't physically,biologically impossible for you to remember any of it. Tune in next month for our next self- help guide: The Pros and Cons of Waking Up Naked In a Dumpster. ------------------ Got Galleries? Post Your Fetish Galleries Here

03-12-2001, 09:56 AM	#2
stangster Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: SoCal Posts: 1,126	Wear a green t-shirt and drink a green beer!

03-12-2001, 10:08 AM	#3
Shocker Confirmed User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: San Francisco Posts: 138	Much too complicated. I'll just go with the corned beef, potatoes, cabbage and a 6-pack of Guiness.

03-12-2001, 10:31 AM	#4
Jamdin Registered User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Kansas Posts: 3,560	I'm already planning for Guiness, Irish Red, Black & Tan, Bailey's Irish Creme, & a pot of coffee. I'll probably eat the patatoes & corn beef sometime during the day (or I might just have the cabbage & patatoes). Of course, I'll be wearing my "Get Lucky" t-shirt from Lucky's Brewery & Pub (I need to get a new one soon since I'm wearing that one out). Then I'll be off trying to find Lucy the Leprechaun or I will be looking for the love of Erin ------------------ Moongem Erotica Moongem Fiction [This message has been edited by Jamdin (edited 03-12-2001).]

03-12-2001, 10:39 AM	#5
blakkfrogg Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: South of sobriety Posts: 582	I think I shall be wearing my GFY shirt. Seems like the proper thing to do, don't you think? Imagine the drunken slurred conversations I'll have with people who think I'm telling them off! ------------------ Got Galleries? Post Your Fetish Galleries Here

03-12-2001, 01:30 PM	#6
aprilkorova Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: SoCal Posts: 649	Very funny blakkfrog In 1991 I rec'd a gift that has ensured, that for the rest of my life (or at least for the next 21 years) that I will never party on St. Patty's Day......My son. Born March 17, 1991 at 11:48 pm. Only 12 minutes later and I'd be right there with you guys. LOL

03-12-2001, 02:04 PM	#7
aprilkorova Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: SoCal Posts: 649	Oops, I guess I should have said, I will be celebrating St. Patricks Day by taking my boy to the two b-ball games he has to play that day (one playoff, one all-star) and then finish the day with a nice dinner out, my boy has fantastic (unfortunately expensive) taste in food and then top it off with some cake and presents. Would you all have a drink for me?

03-12-2001, 05:45 PM	#8
misterwalrus Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Burbank, Ca Posts: 270	DRUNK

03-12-2001, 05:47 PM	#9
blackajacka Registered User Join Date: Mar 2001 Location: Hudson, NH USA Posts: 15	A great day it will be, hanging out and drinking in North Boston. Watching the parade and trying to stay out of the bar fights!

03-12-2001, 07:21 PM	#10
JT My mother was an EMU Join Date: Jan 1999 Location: In a Van Down by the River Posts: 202	Hey Blakkfrogg, Email me a valid email address. So I can get the free content to you. [email protected]

03-13-2001, 12:20 AM	#11
NakedChik Confirmed User Join Date: Feb 2001 Location: Omaha, NE Posts: 112	I will be working at my shit job all day. My boss will be the one out drinking, not me. My life is so sad.

03-13-2001, 12:30 AM	#12
jill Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Buffalo Posts: 155	Blakkfrog, that was hilarious! Me, I plan to leave work early, drink green beer, then (much later) reverse-drink green beer. ------------------ Jill's Quick and Dirty Porn "Because I like it quick and dirty!" http://www.jills.org

03-13-2001, 02:23 AM	#13
Exxxotica Confirmed User Join Date: Jan 2001 Location: Oregun Posts: 4,396	Going to find me a Leprechaun...and share a bowl of Lucky Charms. You know they are Magically Delicious!