Just Fucking Funny..

[X_X_ROB_X_X]

"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face.. My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."
"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."
"A scar ain't 13 god damned stitches. I'll introduce you to men with REAL scars, then we'll all laugh at your fucking 13 stitches together."
"Any idiot can get lucky once. Takes a special idiot to get lucky twice."
"Anytime someone sells you food in a sack, it's not a sack of food, it's a sack of shit."
"Been thinking for a while, and I'd say there's 1.5 pounds of shit in the dog. Tried to get the vet to weigh a sack of it. No dice."
"Bullshit. Don't pretend you don't care about your birthday. It's like watching a hooker pretend she's out for a walk when cops drive by."
"Bullshit. War ain't over till people stop shooting. You can't say you're done taking a crap if shit's still coming out of your ass."
"Calm down. You don?t just grab a ruler and tell everyone to whip their dicks out. You stuff your crotch and keep your pants on.'
"Can we talk later? The news is on... Well, if you have tuberculosis it's not gonna get any worse in the next 30 minutes, jesus."
"Does anyone your age know how to comb their fucking hair? It looks like two squirrels crawled on their head and started fucking."
"Don't ask for my opinion then. I said congrats on the car, just saying nobody's panties are getting wet from a fucking Honda Accord."
"Don't listen to the pussy side of you when you make a decision. People gravitate towards being a pussy. Remove the pussy, son."
"Don't mess with him...Trust me, you don't fuck with a man that sleeps next to a woman he never screws. They're unpredictable."
"Don't start a story with This is SO funny. Be like saying My dick's huge before you screw. Even if you're right you sound like an asshole."
"Don't touch the bacon, it's not done yet. You let me handle the bacon, and i'll let you handle..what ever it is you do. I guess nothing."
"Don?t focus on the one guy who hates you. You don?t go to the park and set your picnic down next to the only pile of dog shit."
"Engagement rings are pointless. Indians gave cows...Oh sorry, congrats on proposing. We good now? Can I finish my indian story?"
"Everybody loves that Da Vinci code book. Bullshit, it sucks. I read it. It's for all the dummies."
"Everybody's broke, so here's the rule for Christmas this year; if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."
"Everyone thinks their opinion matters. Don't argue with a nobody. A farmer doesn't bother telling a pig his breath smells like shit."
"Fine, let?s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner?...Yeah, democracy ain?t so fun when it fucks you, huh?'
"Fucking Radio Shack. It's a wonder they even know how to use a bathroom and don't just walk around all day with shit in their pants."
"HIDDEN roaming charges? Jesus, Sprint has 'fucking people' down to a science, like they practice it in a fucking lab on mice first."
"Happy birthday, I didn't get you a present...Oh, mom got you one? Well, that's from me then too, unless it's shitty."
"He's a politician. It's like being a hooker. You can't be one unless you can pretend to like people while you're fucking them."
"He's nice now but he WAS an asshole. Just 'cause a piece of shit dries up and stops smelling, doesn't mean it's not still a piece of shit."
"Here's a strawberry, sorry for farting near you...Hey! Either take the strawberry and stop bitching, or no strawberry, that's the deal."
"How the fuck should I know if it's still good? Eat it. You get sick, it wasn't good. You people, you think I got microscopic fucking eyes."
"I didn't live to be 73 years old so I could eat kale. Don't fix me your breakfast and pretend you're fixing mine."
"I didn't say you were ugly. I said your girlfriend is better looking than you, and standing next to her, you look ugly."
"I don't get it; I sweat, I smell fine. You sweat, you smell like mule shit...Relax, she's on the treadmill next to you, she knows."
"I don't need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I'm old. I'm through moving shit."
"I don't want your advice, you're 27 fucking years old...Fine. I don't want your advice, you're 29 fucking years old."
"I found some shit in your room...No, I found actual shit. Feces...Well I should hope it's from your shoes, otherwise what the fuck?"
"I hate paying bills... Son, don't say "me too." I didn't say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of "go away."
"I just did an hour on the gym machine. I'm sweaty and I have to shit. Where's my fannypack, this workout is over."
"I just don't wanna celebrate a bullshit holiday. I'm plenty romantic. I own a home and have never shit my pants. Two things you can't say."
"I just want silence. Jesus, it doesn't mean I don't like you. It just means right now, I like silence more."
"I like See's candy. Put me in a See's store, I'm eating candy. The whole world is Tiger's See's store, and the candy is vagina."
"I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
"I lost 20 pounds...How? I drank bear piss and took up fencing. How the fuck you think, son? I exercised."
"I need to change clothes? Wow. That's big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn's."
"I turn the kitchen faucet on and the shower burns you, yes, I get it...No, I'm not gonna stop, I'm just saying yes, I get that concept."
"I wanted to see Detroit win. I've been there. It's like God took a shit on a parking lot. They deserve some good news."
"I wouldn't worry about money...No, it has a lot to do with happiness, I just meant YOU shouldn't worry, cause you'd just piss it away."
"I'm having a Makers Mark, you want one? What? 7up? I ain't mixing fucking makers with 7up. Might as well put a lil' fucking umbrella in it"
"I'm in Cincinnati at a waffle house that's across from 2 waffle houses. Everyone's fat. This city is fucking hall of fame of Diabetes."
"I'm just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves...Don't care, that's the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."
"I'm sitting in one of those TGI Friday's places, and everyone looks like they want to shove a shotgun in their mouth."
"If mom calls, tell her I'm shitting... Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."
"Invite them. A wedding is a loaded gun. Don't be the asshole staring down the barrel asking which button makes the boom noise."
"It's just a fucking june bug, calm down. Jesus Christ, what happens when something bigger than a testicle attacks you?"
"It's never the right time to have kids, but it's always the right time for screwing. God's not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."
"It's not the gardener's job to pick up the dog shit. If you don't want to pick up the dog shit, then learn a skill like gardening."
"It's watering plants, Justin. You just take a God damned hose and you put it over the plant. You don't even pay rent, just do it. Shit."
"It?s Los Angeles, son. It?s the epicenter of the asshole earthquake. They?d fuck you twice if they had another dick.'
"I?m not sure you can call that roughing it, son? Well, for one, there was a fucking minivan parked forty feet from your sleeping bags.'
"Jesus Christ, Just give the dog his fucking food. Why's he gotta do a trick first? YOU don't have to do shit before YOU eat."
"Jesus it's hot in here? Right? No? It's fucking hot, you people looking at me like i'm crazy. You're crazy."
"Just pay the parking ticket. Don't be so outraged. You're not a freedom fighter in the civil rights movement. You double parked."
"Look, we're basically on earth to shit and fuck. So unless your job's to help people shit or fuck, it's not that important, so relax."
"Love this Mrs. Dash. The bitch can make spices... Jesus, Joni (my mom) it's a joke. I was making a joke! Mrs. Dash isn't even real dammit!"
"Might not do a damn bit of good, but tell people to donate to Haiti on your twitter thing." TEXT "Haiti" to 90999 to donate 10$
"Mom and I saw a great movie last night...No, don't remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
"Mom is smarter than you...No? Well, ask yourself this; has mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass?...Mom 1. You 0"
"My flight lands at 9:30 on Sunday...You want to watch what? What the fuck is mad men? I'm a mad man if you don't pick me the hell up."
"Nah, we don't celebrate it. Don't know who St. Valentine was, don't give a shit, and doubt he wants people screwing in his memory."
"Nervous? In 5 billion years the sun will burn out and nothing you did will matter. Feel better?"
"No Father's day gifts. Just write me a card...Of course I'm kidding. Buy me shit, I created you."
"No presents goddamit. I'm turning 74. I don't need you to commemorate that with a fucking Barnes and Noble gift card."
"No thanks. I don't need a party to celebrate New Year's. All I need is a bottle of bourbon and a t-shirt that hangs down passed my balls."
"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
"No, you can be ugly and get laid. You just gotta be willing to screw someone uglier than you."
"No, you can not borrow my t-shirt...How about instead of standing there looking shocked, you do your fucking laundry?"
"No. Aliens exist, I just don't think they came millions of light years just to see earth. Be like driving 1000 miles to go to an Arby's"
"No. Humans will die out. We're weak. Dinosaurs survived on rotten flesh. You got diarrhea last week from a Wendy's."
"No. I like talking, I just hate people. If I could find other shit to talk to, I'd be all for it."



( all quoted from http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays )

[X_X_ROB_X_X]

"No. I want the salad...Live a little? I'm ordering lunch. I don't have a choice between salad or fucking skydiving."
"No. Politicians don't wanna scare you, they wanna keep you stupid. Fear is just the smell when ignorance takes a shit."
"No. Tell 'em we're not doing Christmas dinner at a casino... Don't be an ass about it, but tell them why it's a fucking stupid idea."
"No. You don't even have hair on your balls." Story from my new book about asking my dad to explain sex when I was 9.
"No. You don't read news. You read stuff you agree with. Just because somebody's shit smells like yours, doesn't mean it's not still shit."
"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."
"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."
"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants."
"Put the rake down. I don't wanna sit around watching you 'give it your best.' Either stop sucking or get the fuck out of the way."
"Remember how you used to make fun of me for being bald?...No, I'm not gonna make a joke. I'll let your mirror do that."
"Remember this: you're just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it's not."
"STOP apologizing. You're sorry, he gets it, Jesus. You spilled a glass of wine, not fucked his wife."
"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."
"See, you think I give a shit. Wrong. In fact, while you talk, I'm thinking; How can I give less of shit? That's why I look interested."
"So he likes drugs and hookers. That's the mustard & mayo on the sandwich of life. Problem is, that's all he's got on his fucking sandwich."
"Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser, and you don't realize until later that it's because it fucked you."
"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn't invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."
"Son, people will always try and fuck you. Don't waste your life planning for a fucking, just be alert when your pants are down."
"Sprain, huh? Did you go to medical school?... Well I did, so spare me your dog-shit diagnosis and lemme look at your ankle."
"Stop trying so hard. He doesn't like you. Jesus, don't kiss an ass if it's in the process of shitting on you."
"Tennessee is nice. The first time I vomited was in tennessee, I think."
"That woman was sexy...Out of your league? Son. Let women figure out why they won't screw you, don't do it for them."
"The 1st amendment doesn't say I have to listen to bullshit. Just 'cause farting's legal don't mean I gotta shove my nose in your asshole."
"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain't like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain't spitting it out."
"The dog don't like you planting stuff there. It's his backyard. If you're the only one who shits in something, you own it. Remember that."
"The dog is an outside dog. You want an inside dog, you go get your own inside."
"The dog is not bored, it's a fucking dog. It's not like he's waiting for me to give him a fucking rubix cube. He's a god damned dog."
"The universe does not give a fuck about you. You are a speck in its shit."
"The whole world is fueled by bullshit? What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I?m giving it to him.'
"The worst thing you can be is a liar....Okay fine, yes, the worst thing you can be is a Nazi, but THEN, number two is liar. Nazi 1, Liar 2"
"There won't be humans in 500 years. Enough people choke themselves when they jerk off we gave it a name. We ain't a species made to last."
"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
"These candidates are dog shit. All we're doing is picking out the dick that's going to fuck us."
"They serve Jim Beam on airplanes. Tastes like piss. You wouldn't be able to tell the difference, because you drink shit. I don't."
"They're offended? Fuck, shit, asshole, shitfuck; they're just words...Fine. Shitfuck isn't a word, but you get my point."
"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time i take a piss."
"Valentine's day is bullshit. Our DNA demands we fuck each other, so if you need a holiday to talk your wife into screwing you, it's over."
"WENT through an awkward phase? What phase you think you're in now? Ever seen yourself walk up stairs? It's like a T-rex that shit himself."
"Waking up when you got a baby, you feel like you drank a bottle of whiskey the night before, except the shit's in someone else's pants."
"War hero? No. I was a doc in Vietnam. My job was to say "This is what happens when you screw a hooker, kid. Put this cream on your pecker."
"We ain't a sharp species. We kill each other over arguments about what happens when you die, then fail to see the fucking irony in that."
"We didn't have a prom. Dancing wasn't allowed...What's Footloose?...That's the plot of the movie? That sounds like a pile of shit."
"We're out of Grape Nuts... No, what's left is for me. Sorry, I should have said "You're out of Grape Nuts."
"We?re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it?s okay to hump, and it?s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."
"What are you listening to?...I know who Hall & Oates are god dammit. It's the mustache guy and the gay man."
"When I used to live in Los Angeles, I used to step in human feces a lot."
"Who in the fuck is tila tequila? Is she a stripper?...That's her? Yeah, that's a stripper, son, I don't give a shit what you say."
"Who is this woman?....Kate Beckinsale? Well, you can tell Kate Beckinsale she sucks."
"Why the fuck would I want to live to 100? I'm 73 and shit's starting to get boring. By the way, there's no money left when I go, just fyi."
"YOU, a published writer?..Internet don't count. Any asshole can throw shit up on there."
"Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."
"You came out of your mom looking like shit. She thought you were beautiful. Don't know what scared me most, your looks or her judgment."
"You can watch the house while I'm gone. Just don't call me unless something's on fire, and don't screw in my bed."
"You can't come...Because it's not a vacation if my family is with me. I could vacation in my fucking house if you people left it."
"You didn't get a good deal, you were just fucked gently. Trust me, Best Buy will not be the one with the sore asshole tomorrow."
"You don't have to be good to succeed. You just gotta be the least shitty option. Example: We're eating at The Olive Garden."
"You know, sometimes it's nice having you around. But now ain't one of those times. Now gimmie the remote we're not watching this bullshit."
"You look just like Stephen Hawking...Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?... Fine. Forget I said it."
"You need to flush the toilet more than once...No, YOU, YOU specifically need to. You know what, use a different toilet. This is my toilet."
"You screw without rubbers, kids happen. Sorry-you don?t get to have the dog without the dog shit. "
"You seen my cell phone?...What?s it look like? Like two horses fucking. It?s a phone, son. It looks like a phone."
"You sure do like to tailgate people... Right, because it's real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."
"You touched that god damned biscuit. Bullshit, I saw you touch it?.I don?t give a shit about your evidence, this isn?t a court of law."
"You worry too much. Eat some bacon... What? No, I got no idea if it'll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."
"You're being fucking dramatic. You own a TV and an air mattress. That's not exactly what I'd call "a lot to lose."
"You're gonna run into jerk offs. But remember, it's not the size of the asshole you worry about, it's how much shit comes out of it."
"You're like a tornado of bullshit right now. We'll talk again after your bullshit dies out over someone else's house."
"You're not going bald...No, I meant you're not GOING bald 'cause you're already fucking bald. Don't make me live in your fantasy land."
"Your brother brought his baby over this morning. He told me it could stand. It couldn't stand for shit. Just sat there. Big let down."
"Your favorite team doesn't give a fuck about you."
"Your mother made a batch of meatballs last night. Some are for you, some are for me, but more are for me. Remember that. More. Me."
"Your mother rented this film, What Happens In Vegas. I thought it was going to be non-fiction, but it's fiction, and it's about some idiot.
"You don't know shit, and you're not shit. Don't take that the wrong way, that was meant to cheer you up."
(watching the Little League World Series) "These kids are all fat. I remember when you were in little league.... You were fat."
"I think the baby shit....Well, I'm smelling shit right now, so if it ain't the baby, one of you has a big fucking problem."
"If your brother comes by, tell him I'm on vacation. I already told him that, but who knows with that guy. Are you listening to me? Fuck."
"Why would i want to check a voicemail on my cell phone? People want to talk to me, call again. If i want to talk to you, I'll answer."



( all quoted from http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays )

[Nasty]

hahaha, some great ones!