Make me Laugh and win a pass from Camz to the Phoenix Forum.

[SCOOTER]

Best 2 jokes in this thread by Monday 9am EST wins a pass to the phoenix forum. Winners announced Monday afternoon

You don?t need to be an affiliate ? but it will not hurt..

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So if you are going to the Phoenix Forum lets see your Best joke.




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[AdPatron]

My dick is bigger than yours.

[nba4life2k]

Want to know a funny ass joke......??










WOMEN'S RIGHTS

[wil_I_Am]

First thing that came to my mind when I thought of you, Scooter ;)

[Barefootsies]

[stickyfingerz]

This is probably my favorite for last year.

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One cannibal turns to the other and asks, "This taste funny to you?"

[Barefootsies]

[EBORG9]

A Republican in a wheelchair entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The Republican looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the Republican requested that she give Jesus a cup of coffee, on him.

The next patron to come in was a Libertarian with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus over there?" The waitress nodded, so the Libertarian asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "My treat."

The third patron to come into the restaurant was a Democrat on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there, honey! How's about gettin' me a cold glass of Miller Light?" He, too, looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that God's boy over there?" The waitress once more nodded, so the Democrat directed her to give Jesus a cold glass of beer. "On my bill," he said.

As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the Republican, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed."
The Republican felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door.
Jesus also passed by the Libertarian, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The Libertarian felt his back straightening up, and he raised his hands, praised the Lord and did a series of back flips out the door.

Then Jesus walked towards the Democrat. The Democrat jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me... I'm collecting disability."

[EBORG9]

.....or
2 muffins are in the oven.
One muffin says to the other, "Boy it's hot in here, huh?"

The other screams, "Holy Shit a talking muffin!!"

[mikeyddddd]

[spacedog]

New York City was having a major problem with pigeons.
Everywhere all over New York these damn pigeons were causing an uproar.
Bird shit everywhere, flying around shitting everywhere...

The citizens were outraged & demanding action.

The New York City officials tried everything they could, but nothing worked.. They just could not control these damn pigeons.. they couldn't get rid of them & no matter how hard they tried, they could not kill them..

Outraged citizens began to protest.. The media held a press conference where the mayor announces,

"The city of New York will pay to any person who can get rid of these pigeons, the sum of one million dollars, no questions asked.. just get rid of the damn pigeons".



next day, a man walks into the mayors office & says,
"Hey mayor, so, is it true that you're gonna pay me one million dollars to get rid of your pigeons?

The mayor excitedly says, "yes, yes, just get rid of those pesky fucking birds, I don't care how you do it"..

So the man replies, "alrighty then, but if you ask questions, it's gonna cost ya a million bucks per question"..

The mayor nods, "ya, ya.. no questions, just get rid of them pesky pigeons"..

So, this man walks out of the mayors office, hops into his car & drives to the Brooklyn bridge..




Standing at the Brooklyn bridge, he opens his coat & takes out a box.

He opens the box & takes out a pink pigeon & then tosses the pink pigeon into the air, whom then flys in circles over the water.

All of a sudden, millions of pigeons began flying around this pink pigeon.. around & around in circles millions of pigeons, when all of a sudden the pink pigeon nose dives into the water,,,,,,,,

All the other pigeons follow.. millions of pigeons nose diving into the water...

the pink pigeon goes all the way to the bottom.... all the other pigeons follow.. the pink pigeon quickly turns around & swims back to the top & fly's out of the water,,, but all the other pigeons drown & die....

the pink pigeon flys back to the man with the box, upon which the man places the pink pigeon back into the box....


The next day, the man is walking into the mayors office where everyone is excited & happy with joy..

The mayor says,

"wonderful, wonderful.. finally they're gone, and just as I promised.. here's your 2 million dollars"..


The man looks puzzled & replies,
"But I thought the deal was one million dollars?"

The mayor responds,

"Oh, yes, yes.. but I have one question.."































"You wouldn't happen to have a pink nigger in a box would you?"

[baddog]

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids

[Booty Man]

This is by far my favorite joke. Learn it well, then teach yourself how to deliver it (it's not my own joke, but it's fantastic!):

A priest decides to take a walk to the pier near his church. He looks around and finally stops to watch a fisherman load his boat. The fisherman notices, and asks the priest if he would like to join him for a couple of hours. The priest agrees.

The fisherman asks if the priest has ever fished before to which the priest says no. He baits the hook for him and says, "Give it a shot, father". After a few minutes, the priest hooks a big fish and struggles to get it in the boat. The fisherman says "Whoa, what a big son-of-a-bitch!"

The Priest says, "Uh, please sir, can you mind your language?" The Fisherman responds (THINKING QUICKLY), "I'm sorry Father, but that's what this fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch!"

"Oh, I'm sorry", replied the Priest. "I didn't know." After the trip, the priest brings the fish to the church and spots the Bishop. "Eminence, look at this big son-of-a-bitch!"

"Please Father", said the Bishop. "Mind your language, this is a house of God."

"No, you don't understand", said the Priest. "That's what this fish is called, and I caught it. I caught this son-of-a-bitch!"

"Hmmm", said the Bishop. "You know, I could clean this son-of-a-bitch and we could have it for dinner." So the Bishop takes the fish and cleans it, and brings it to Mother Superior at the convent. "Mother Superior could you cook this son-of-a-bitch for dinner tonight?"

"My lord, what language!", said the Mother Superior.

"No, Sister", said the Bishop. "That's what the fish is called - a son-of-a-bitch! Father caught it, I cleaned it, and we'd like you to cook it."

"Hmmm," replied Mother Superior. "Yes, I'll cook that son-of-a-bitch tonight." Well, the Pope stops by for dinner with the three of them, and they all think the fish is great. He asks where they got it. "I caught the son-of-a-bitch!" said the Priest.

"And I cleaned the son-of-a-bitch!" said the Bishop.

"And I cooked the son-of-a-bitch!" said the Mother Superior.

The Pope stares at them for a minute with a steely gaze, but then takes off his hat, puts his feet up on the table, and says, "You know, you fuckers are alright!"

[baddog]

^That reminded me of my pope joke^ I need to finish this inventory before I can try to remember it well enough to type it out though

[baddog]

I was at the store buying a large bag of Purina for Buddy and was in line to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........
Duh!

I was feeling a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IV's in both arms. Her eyes about bugged out of her head.

I went on and on with the bogus diet story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her. Horrified, she asked if something in the dog food had poisoned me and was that why I ended up in the hospital.

I said no.....I'd been sitting in the street licking my butt when a car hit me.

[notabook]

Marriage is like a bottle of fine wine. It takes a lot of work getting it uncorked, but as soon as you pour yourself a glass you know it’s going to be worth it as soon as that soft, velvety liquid hits your lips. That is of course until you have downed half the bottle and realize that drinking wine makes you a faggot.

[dissipate]

Fuck jokes, heres a real story!

So I move down to Costa Rica. I have this 70ish year old neighbor named Bob. Bob retired here from the US a couple years back for the sole reason of fucking prostitutes 3 days a week (prostitution is legal in Costa Rica). So three days a week or he has his usual "girls" come over. You can usually tell a girl is coming over because he's putting around the complex wearing his white robe trying to hide his cialis erection.

Anyways, according to Bob, he can't stand women with shaved pussies. He had to put a stop to this. So what did he do? He went down to the local wig shop and had a crotch toupee made. Yes a crotch toupee. He makes his whores wear it every time they come over to fuck. I didn't believe him and demanded to see it.... oh christ it actually exists!

[baddog]

This joke is better told aloud, . . . if you don't get it, read it aloud to yourself.

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and orders a beer.

The bartender tells him, "sorry Mr Bear, but we don't serve beer to bears in Billings, Montana."

The bear says, "I don't care what you think you do or don't do, I want a beer."

The bartender replies, "Mr Bear, I have told you once, and I will tell you again, we don't serve beer to bears in Billings, Montana."

The bear is getting pissed. "I said I want a beer, and I want it now!!"

"Mr. Bear, I have told you once, I have told you twice and I will tell you again, we don't serve beer to bears in Billings, Montana."

The bear looks around, and points to a woman at the end of the bar. "If you don't get me a beer and do it now, I am going to go eat that chick."

The bartender responds, "Mr. Bear, I have told you once, I have told you twice, I have told you three times and I will tell you again, we don't serve beer to bears in Billings, Montana."

The bear goes to the end of the bar and chows down on the woman, and returns to the bartender, fresh blood dripping from his jowls. "Now, can I have my beer?"

"Mr Bear, I have told you four times, we don't serve beer to bears in Billings, Montana, and we sure don't serve drug addicts."

"Drug addicts?"

"Yes, that was a bar bitch you ate."

[hent]

Originally Posted by dissipate

Fuck jokes, heres a real story!

So I move down to Costa Rica. I have this 70ish year old neighbor named Bob. Bob retired here from the US a couple years back for the sole reason of fucking prostitutes 3 days a week (prostitution is legal in Costa Rica). So three days a week or he has his usual "girls" come over. You can usually tell a girl is coming over because he's putting around the complex wearing his white robe trying to hide his cialis erection.

Anyways, according to Bob, he can't stand women with shaved pussies. He had to put a stop to this. So what did he do? He went down to the local wig shop and had a crotch toupee made. Yes a crotch toupee. He makes his whores wear it every time they come over to fuck. I didn't believe him and demanded to see it.... oh christ it actually exists!

That is fucked up. I couldn't believe it when you told me the other day...

[TeenCat]

i dont want to go to the phoenix phorum

[SCOOTER]

Bump for Saturday morning


Hey Will that was a Small ass fan ……..But it worked

[Pete-KT]

Hmm ill have find a couple good ones

[JFK]

Originally Posted by dissipate

Fuck jokes, heres a real story!

So I move down to Costa Rica. I have this 70ish year old neighbor named Bob. Bob retired here from the US a couple years back for the sole reason of fucking prostitutes 3 days a week (prostitution is legal in Costa Rica). So three days a week or he has his usual "girls" come over. You can usually tell a girl is coming over because he's putting around the complex wearing his white robe trying to hide his cialis erection.

Anyways, according to Bob, he can't stand women with shaved pussies. He had to put a stop to this. So what did he do? He went down to the local wig shop and had a crotch toupee made. Yes a crotch toupee. He makes his whores wear it every time they come over to fuck. I didn't believe him and demanded to see it.... oh christ it actually exists!

too fucking Funny

[Pete-KT]

A man went over to his girl's place for a little bit of nookie between the sheets. He presented her with three choices of condom -- gold, silver, or bronze.

"Silver," she said.

"Why not gold?"

"Because I want you to come second for once!"

[Pete-KT]

Here is another one in a comic form

[CDSmith]

Originally Posted by notabook

Marriage is like a bottle of fine wine. It takes a lot of work getting it uncorked, but as soon as you pour yourself a glass you know it?s going to be worth it as soon as that soft, velvety liquid hits your lips. That is of course until you have downed half the bottle and realize that drinking wine makes you a faggot.

Best . joke . EVER.

[The Ghost]

Looking forward to the announcement of the winner

[DamageX]

k, I'll bite.

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls 911. He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[DamageX]

And another:

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq.

He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the President exclaims. "That's terrible!"

His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.

Finally, President looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

[RawAlex]

"Lengendary Lars was forced to use Zango"

That should be a winner right out of the box. I still haven't stopped laughing months later.

[DamageX]

Originally Posted by RawAlex

"Lengendary Lars was forced to use Zango"

That should be a winner right out of the box. I still haven't stopped laughing months later.

I bet Lars is laughing louder though.

[nation-x]

GFY is the best place to meet nice people have civilized conversation!

*seriously... I don't want a pass but I am a silly sig spammer

[MikeHawk]

[»Rob Content«]

my new 404 page

[DamageX]

Originally Posted by nation-x

GFY is the best place to meet nice people have civilized conversation!

[SCOOTER]

Keep them coming guys..

[aico]

How many Mexicans does it take to rake leaves?



brb....







Only 1, he didn't need any help.

[Rochard]

Originally Posted by baddog

One day a fourth-grade teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up -- fireman, mechanic, businessman, salesman, doctor, lawyer, and so forth.

However, little Justin was being uncharacteristically quiet, so when the teacher prodded him about his father, he replied, "My father's an exotic dancer in a gay cabaret and takes off all his clothes in front of other men, and they put money in his underwear. Sometimes, if the offer is really good, he will go home with some guy and stay with him all night for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some exercises and then took little Justin aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No", the boy said, "He works for the Democratic National Committee and is helping to get Hillary Clinton to be our next President, but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids

This has got to be a winner right here folks!

[SCOOTER]

Bump for Sunday

[TeenCat]

bump for me

[DamageX]

Originally Posted by Rochard

This has got to be a winner right here folks!

Taking bets on that joke winning, any takers?

[Deej]

A guy walks into a bar carrying a brown paper bag.

He sits on a stool at the bar and ask the bartender for a drink.

As the bartender brings the guy his drink, he reaches into his paper bag and pulls out a tiny piano. Sits it on the bar. Reaches back into the bag and pulls out an equally small bench seat.

Amazed, the bartender looks at it and ask if it really works.

Without saying a word the guy reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny little man about a foot tall. He sets the little man down and he goes right to his piano and starts playing an rousing refrain of cer' dulac.

The bartender just astonished asks the guy, "Where in gods name did you get a little man and a little piano??"

The guy reaches once again into his paper bag and pulls out a genies lamp.

"I found this and I rubbed it and a Genie came out, he gave me one wish."

The bartenders eyes widened and he says, "Ill buy all your drinks tonight if you let me make a wish!"

The guy gives the bartender the lamp and the bartender immediatly starts rubbing the lamp to get the genie to come out.

With a whoosh the genie emerges in a puff of blue smoke.

"You have released me, I shall grant you one wish!" said the genie.

Without hesitating, the bartender blurts out, " I WANT A MILLION BUCKS!"

The genie claps his hands and says, " Your wish is my command!" and as quick as he whooshed in, he was gone, back into his lamp.

So there they both sit. No stack of cash.

But then a duck walks in..... and another....and another.....they just keep piling in.

Soon the whole bar is riddled with ducks....quacking everywhere. Feathers and bills gaggling about.

The bartender, getting a bit perturbed looks at the guy and says, "Man, I think your genie is deaf as shit, I dont want all these fuckin ducks in here!!"


The guy looks at him equally disgruntled and says....


NO SHIT!! You really think I wished for a 12 inch pianist?!?!

[LAJ]

Did you hear about the gay burgler? After he blew the safe he went down on the elevator...

[Jennyfer]

Originally Posted by dissipate

Fuck jokes, heres a real story!

So I move down to Costa Rica. I have this 70ish year old neighbor named Bob. Bob retired here from the US a couple years back for the sole reason of fucking prostitutes 3 days a week (prostitution is legal in Costa Rica). So three days a week or he has his usual "girls" come over. You can usually tell a girl is coming over because he's putting around the complex wearing his white robe trying to hide his cialis erection.

Anyways, according to Bob, he can't stand women with shaved pussies. He had to put a stop to this. So what did he do? He went down to the local wig shop and had a crotch toupee made. Yes a crotch toupee. He makes his whores wear it every time they come over to fuck. I didn't believe him and demanded to see it.... oh christ it actually exists!

lol, that is so fucked up

[Dwreck]

This is a great thread to bring laughter to win a contest Scooter. Nice to see!

Scooter will also act as a personal body guard to anyone that touches you!

[Sharky]

My dick is bigger than yours. In fact, my dick is so big that it has its own dick and even his dick is bigger than yours!

[CamJack]

Man and a boy walk into the forest, its dark and there's a full moon. The little boy shivers with fear and says to the man: "Sir, I am really really scared".

The man looks down to the kid and says, "How do you think I feel? I have to walk back alone."


What's a nose's favorite place to eat?

BUGGAR KING

[CamJack]

The first jokes dark and you are supposed to go "ohhh thats terrible", then I come back with a 3rd grader joke and you are forced to laugh since the other joke was so bad.

I don't need a ticket, I'll be there. Give it to a someone who needs it.
GREAT THREAD BTW!!!!!

[Juilan]

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

[Deej]

Originally Posted by Juilan

A Nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'Definitely' in a sentence?"

First a little girl says "The sky is definitely blue" Teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can be gray, or orange."

The second little boy says"Trees are definitely green" "Sorry, but in the autumn, the trees are brown."

Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks "Does a fart have lumps?"

The teacher looks horrified and says "Johnny! Of course not!!!"

"OK. Then I DEFINITELY shit my pants."

Thats a goodie