Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

My doctor gave me six months to live seven months ago, but as I did not pay the bill he gave me another six months.

I'm not as think as you confused I am.

It takes a disaster to make a woman out of a female.

I have a good memory; it's just very short.

No matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy to stop and complain about how busy I am.

Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today, for, if you like it, you can do it again tomorrow.

almost 3700 posts here

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them

Don't let yourself become the mouse or the cat will eat you

Necessity is the mother of invention

If you visit me on the web, at least I won't have to make you a coffee!

My telephone is not your advertising medium. However, I'll gladly accept sales calls for a nominal charge of £1,000 per call. Thank you and have a nice day!

I woke up one morning and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Borrow money from pessimists -- they don't expect it back.

If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.

A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.

:( sad.

lol

The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.

Never assume. It makes an ASS of U and ME!

Why is there so much month left at the end of the money?

"There are two types of people. Those who divide people into two types, and those who don't." Get your mind round that one, and the whole world slots into place.

If it doesn't fit, force it; if it still doesn't fit, use a bigger hammer; if it breaks, then it needed fixing anyway.

Life is what is happening while you make other plans.

If it ain't broke, break it. Then you can fix it.

To expand your horizons you must be willing to lose sight of the shore.

Satisfying: The warm feeling engendered, for example, by seeing a traffic warden being given a parking ticket, or a double-glazing salesman getting an unwanted phone call.