She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

When a clock is hungry, it goes back four seconds.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia ... the LAN down under.

still haven't gotten a reply from you yet....

He often broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - It taint yours and it taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

"Middle age is when your age starts to show around your middle." - Bob Hope

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.

A midget fortuneteller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.

That is a great offer, good luck to everyone participating.

Don't worry if you don't know what eschatology is; it's not the end of the world.

Putting prepositions at the end of a sentence is a practice up with which we shall not put.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

There are two kinds of pedestrians -- the quick and the dead.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, then who is the fool who said, "Quit while you're ahead?"

Get the last word in: Apologise.

Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach that person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to realise that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

My doctor gave me six months to live seven months ago, but as I did not pay the bill he gave me another six months.

I'm not as think as you confused I am.

It takes a disaster to make a woman out of a female.

I have a good memory; it's just very short.

No matter how busy I am, I'm never too busy to stop and complain about how busy I am.

Never put off til tomorrow what you can do today, for, if you like it, you can do it again tomorrow.

almost 3700 posts here

Vital papers will demonstrate their vitality by moving from where you left them to where you can't find them

Don't let yourself become the mouse or the cat will eat you

Necessity is the mother of invention

If you visit me on the web, at least I won't have to make you a coffee!

My telephone is not your advertising medium. However, I'll gladly accept sales calls for a nominal charge of £1,000 per call. Thank you and have a nice day!