The Last Person to ever post is this Thread wins $250 (paypal)

[Jolly Rancher]

A. More headroom

[Smokey The ßear]

Anatomy is something everybody's got

[iDiz]

A woman in the bar says that she wants to have plastic surgery to enlarge her breasts. Her husband tells her, "Hey, you don't need surgery to do that. I know how to do it without surgery."

The lady asks, "How do I do it without surgery?"

"Just rub toilet paper between them."

Startled the lady asks, "How does that make them bigger?"

"I don't know, but it worked for your ass."

[Jolly Rancher]

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?

[Smokey The ßear]

but sure looks better on a woman.

[iDiz]

A guy walks into a bar and orders a drink. After a few more he needs to go to the can. He doesn't want anyone to steal his drink so he puts a sign on it saying, "I spat in this beer, do not drink!". After a few minutes he returns and there is another sign next to his beer saying, "So did I!"

[Smokey The ßear]

What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose?

[iDiz]

A man limps into a bar with a cane and alligator. The bartender stops him and says "Hold on a second here - you can't bring that animal in here, they aren't allowed!" So the man says, "But my gator here does a really cool trick..."

The bartender says "Well then, lets see!" So the man whips out his dick and shoves it in the gators mouth. He then takes his cane and starts bashing the gator in the head with it. A crowd gathers around and everyone is astonished when he pulls out his dick without a single scratch.

He looks around at the crowd and says, "Does anyone else want to try?" An old lady raises her hand and says..."Sure, but don't hit me with that stick."

[Jolly Rancher]

A. Because everyone gets a turn.

[Smokey The ßear]

Darling.

[iDiz]

There were these two guys in a bar, which was on the 20th floor of a building. The first man said " I bet you $100 I can jump out that window and come straight back in!" The second man says "Ok, sure." and the barman holds the bet. The first man jumps out the window and disappears for a second before jumping straight back in. Disappointed about losing the $100, the second man says: " I'll bet you another $100 you can't do it again." So the barman holds the bet. Sure enough, the first man jumps out the window, disappears for a second, then jumps straight back in. Thinking he must have caught a freak gust of wind, the second man says "Ok, I bet you $300 I can jump out the window and come straight back in." The first man says" Ok, sure." The second man jumps out the window and falls to the footpath below. He is dead. Back up in the bar, the barman says to the first man " Gee, you can be a bastard when you're pissed, Superman."

[Jolly Rancher]

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?

[Smokey The ßear]

Why do women get periods?

[iDiz]

This bartender is in a bar, when this really hot chick walks up and says in a sexy seductive voice, "May I please speak to your manager?" He says, "Not right now, is there anything I can help you with?" She replies, "I don't know if your the man to talk to...its kind of personal..." Thinking he might get lucky, he goes, "I'm pretty sure I can handle your problem, miss." She then looks at him with a smile, and puts two of her fingers in his mouth...and he begins sucking them, thinking "I'm in!!!" She goes, "Can you give the manager something for me?" The bartender nods...yes. "Tell him there's no toilet paper in the ladies restroom."

[iDiz]

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey starts jumping all over the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and eats them, then grabs some sliced limes and eats them,then jumps up on the pool table, grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole.

The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?" The guy says, "No, what?" "He just ate the cue ball off my pool table - whole!" says the bartender. "Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He eats everything in sight, the little twerp. I'll pay for the cue ball and stuff." He finishes his drink, pays his bill, and leaves. Two weeks later he's in the bar again, and he has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running around the bar again.

While the man is drinking, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?" "Now what?" asks the patron. "Well, he stuck a maraschino cherry up his butt, then pulled it out and ate it!" says the barkeeper.

"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replies the patron. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

[Jolly Rancher]

A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

[Smokey The ßear]

Why did the punk cross the road?

[iDiz]

There's this drunk standing out on the street corner, and a cop passes by, and says, "What do you think you're doing?" The drunk says, "I heard the world goes around every 24 hours, and I'm waiting on my house. Won't be long now, there goes my neighbor."



hehehe

[Jolly Rancher]

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?

[DR_PHIL]

mods sleeping for a full day on this? lol

[iDiz]

An Irish man walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and notices he has a steering wheel stuck down the front of his pants. "Hey," he says, "What's with the steering wheel down your pants?" "Ach," says the Irish man, "it's drivin' me nuts!"

[DR_PHIL]

guess so

[Jolly Rancher]

A. The more you bang it

[Smokey The ßear]

How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?

[iDiz]

There is a guy. His favorite bar is called 'Sally's Legs'. The bar is closed, so he waits outside for it to open. He was waiting a long time and a cop got suspicious, came over to him, and asked, "What are you doing?" The guy replies, "I'm waiting for 'Sally's Legs' to open so I can get a drink."

[iDiz]

Originally posted by Smokey The ßear
How many men do you need for a mafia funeral?

2

[DR_PHIL]

oh well at least its jokes and not useless shit

[Smokey The ßear]

There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!'

[iDiz]

One night a man was getting very drunk in a pub. He staggered back to take a piss, whipping his prick out as he went in the door. However, he had wandered into the ladies room by mistake, surprising a woman sitting on the can, "This is for ladies!" she screamed. The drunk waved his dick at her and said "So is this!"

[Jolly Rancher]

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?

[Smokey The ßear]

Broken promises don't upset me. I just think 'Why did they believe me?'

[iDiz]

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe and they proceed to get blitzed. The giraffe drinks so much it passes out on the floor. The man gets up and heads for the door to leave when the bartender yells, "Hey! You can't leave that lyin' there!" The drunk replies, "That's not a lion! It's a giraffe." hehehe

[Smokey The ßear]

Six stages of married life:1: Tri-weekly2: Try weekly3: Try weakly4. Try oysters5: Try anything6: Try to remember

[Jolly Rancher]

A. Frosted Flakes

[iDiz]

Originally posted by DR_PHIL
oh well at least its jokes and not useless shit

yep, but this will never ends !

[Smokey The ßear]

A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'. To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!'

[iDiz]

A woman walks into a bar with her 5 pound Chihuahua and sits down next to this guy, whom she notices is feeling a little bit queasy. A few minutes go buy and the guy looks at her and blows his chunks. He looks down and sees the little dog struggling in a pool of vomit and says, "Whoa, I don't remember eating that!"

[Jolly Rancher]

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?

[Smokey The ßear]

The graduate with a science degree asks 'Why does it work?'

[iDiz]

A man is in a bar and has one too many drinks. This beautiful lady sits down next to him. He turns to her and says "Hey how bout it. You and me, gettin it on. I've got a couple dollars and it looks like you could use a little money." She stands up and says, "What makes you think I charge by the inch."

[Smokey The ßear]

The graduate with an engenieering degree asks 'How does it do that?'

[iDiz]

A preacher goes into a bar and says "Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up." Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says "My son, don't you want to go to heaven when you die?" The drunk says "When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now."

[Smokey The ßear]

The graduate with an accounting degree asks 'How much does it cost?'

[iDiz]

Q. Why did Bill Clinton name his new dog Buddy?
A. He couldn't bear to say "Come Spot... Come Spot!"

[Smokey The ßear]

The graduate with the Arts degree asks 'Do you want fries with that?'

[iDiz]

Q. 100 Women Surveyed, "Would you have sex with Bill Clinton?"
A. 80% said not again.

[iDiz]

Q. What does Wal-Mart, Zellers and Michael Jackson have in common?
A. Boy's underwear half off.

[Smokey The ßear]

'I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.'

[Jolly Rancher]

:D A. An airbag.

[iDiz]

Q. What did Helen Keller's parents do to punish her for swearing?
A. Washed her hands with soap.