:2 cents: For sale : Twin beds :moon

These two newfies are building a house. One of them is putting on the siding. He picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another nail, throws it away. Picks up a nail, hammers it in. Picks up another, throws it away. This goes on for a while, and finally his friend comes over and asks him why he is throwing half of the nails away.

He replies, "Those ones were pointed on the wrong end." The buddy gets exasperated and says "You idiot, those nails are for the other side of the house!"

:girl one hardly used. :eek2

Two Newfies landed themselves a job at a saw mill. Just before morning the one yelled, "Mick! I lost me finger!"

"Have you now?" says Mick. "And how did you do it?"

"I just touched this big spinning thing here... No! There goes another one!"

:stoned How do you tell an old man? :Graucho

REVENUE CANADA *T1-SIMPLIFIED TAX FORM

New Simplified Tax Form for 2000 Taxes

1. How much money did you make in 2000?
2. Send it to us.

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed. The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night, that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die.

Their choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging. The American was afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged. The American chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happens a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The guy from Toronto was also afraid of needles and did'nt want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfoundlanders turn to pick how he was to be executed. He said "I'm afraid of needles, the electric chair won't work so you're going to have to hang me".

O'Connell was staggering home with a pint of booze in his back pocket when he slipped and fell heavily. Struggling to his feet, he felt something wet running down his leg.

"Please, God," he implored, "let it be blood!"

:Buck: An old lady owned two monkeys. One day they both died :rasta

A cop pulled up two Irish drunks, and asked to the first, "What's your name and address?"

"I'm Paddy O'Day, of no fixed address." The cop turned to the second drunk, and asked the same question. "I'm Seamus O'Toole, and I live in the flat above Paddy."

"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

:stop Why does an elephant have four feet? :rasta

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

:girl Because it would look silly with six inches. :hi

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."

:rasta but sure looks better on a woman. :Grrrrrr

:BangBang: What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose? :GFYBand

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

:cool-as-a Darling. :Graucho

david barnes has arrived

:karaoke Because they deserve them. :1orglaugh

:repuke Because he was stapled to the chickens back. :eyecrazy

:arcadefre How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? :glugglug

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."

:321GFY Only one. To slam the car boot shut. :xomunch

:GFYBand There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!' :hi

:rainfro Broken promises don't upset me. I just think 'Why did they believe me?' :mad:

:D A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'. To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!' :Hollering

"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour."

:Graucho The graduate with a science degree asks 'Why does it work?' :stoned

"Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure."

:girl The graduate with an accounting degree asks 'How much does it cost?' :Grrrrrr

"I have read your book and much like it."

what did I miss?

:NopeNope 'Was your wife a virgin when you married?' :thefinger

"The covers of this book are too far apart."

hopefully not much

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them."