"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps."
Emo Philips.

Yo mama so stupid she thinks Fleetwood Mac is a new hamburger at McDonalds! :BangBang: :feels-hot *-

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either."
Dick Cavett.

Yo mama so stupid when you stand next to her you hear the ocean! :thumbsup :winkwink: *-

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets."
Dave Edison.

Yo mama so stupid she hears it's chilly outside so she gets a bowl :mad: :ak47: *-

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives."
Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash."
Jerry Seinfeld.

Yo mama so stupid that she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center. :1orglaugh :Graucho *-

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree."
Spike Milligan.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff."
Steven Wright.

and watches the couch! :1orglaugh :Graucho *-

"Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die."
Mel Brooks.

TOP 10 SIGNS YOUR FAMILY IS STRESSED...

10. Conversations often begin with "Put the gun down, and then we can talk".

9. The school principal has your number on speed-dial.

8. The cat is on Valium.

7. People have trouble understanding your kids, because they learned to speak through clenched teeth.

6. You are trying to get your four-year-old to switch to decaffeinated.

5. The number of jobs held down by family members exceeds the number of people in the family.

4. No one has time to wait for microwave TV dinners.

3. "Family meetings" are often mediated by law enforcement officials.

2. You have to check your kid's day-timer to see if he can take out the trash.

1. Maxwell House gives you industrial rates.

"I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet."
Henry Youngman.

she put "Hooked on Phonics." :eek7 :evil-laug *-

TOP TEN WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE PMS...

10. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

9. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet

8. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

7. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

6. You're using your cell phone to dial up bumper stickers that says, "How's my driving? Call 1-800-EAT-SHIT."

5. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

4. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.

3. You're counting down the days until menopause.

2. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

1. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

Is this tread still alive ? :1orglaugh J/K

TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND...

10. Cats' facial expressions

9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors

8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds

7. Fat clothes

6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time

5. The difference between beige, off-white, and eggshell

4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow

3. Eyelash curlers

2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made

1. OTHER WOMEN

I vote every Friday should be whore a joke thread day :thumbsup

Yo mama so stupid when she went to take the 44 bus :1orglaugh :Graucho *-

heya there bizmak :)

TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......

she took the 22 twice instead. :mad: :ak47: *-

TOP TEN TV SHOWS IN IRAQ

10. Husseinfeld

9. Mad About Everything

8. Allah McBeal

7. Wheel of Fortune and Terror

6. Achmed's Creek

5. The Price is Right if Saddam Says it's Right

4. Children Are Forbidden From Saying Anything Darndest

3. The Brian Benben Bin Laden Show

2. Buffy the Slayer of American Imperialist Dogs

1. Suddenly Sanctions

Yo mama so stupid she jumped out the window and went up. :thumbsup :winkwink: *-

"I once heard two ladies going on and on about the pains of childbirth and how men don't seem to know what real pain is. I asked if either of them ever got themselves caught in a zipper."
Emo Philips.

TOP 10 SIGNS SOMEONE PLAYS TOO MANY VIDEO GAMES

10. They ask for all their money in quarters.

9. They're not sure what season, or year it is.

8. They're best friends names are Super Mario, Pac-man, and Sonic (if they have real-life friends).

7. The electric company and the toy store sends them birthday cards.

6. Big falling blocks and hot lava pits haunt their dreams.

5. Their fingers twitch all the time.

4. When they are sick at home the change clerk at the arcade calls to see if they are all right.

3. They can play 2 player games by themselves.

2. Everyone at the arcade knows them by name.

1. Someone is reading this to them, 'cause they're too busy getting a new high score and can not be bothered.

"Everywhere is within walking distance if you have the time."
Steven Wright.

:1orglaugh

TOP TEN SONG TITLES ON THE POPE'S NEW ALBUM

10. Girls Just Want To Be Nuns

9. Wind Beneath My Vestments

8. Pretty Fly (For A Celibate Guy)

7. A Whiter Shade Of Robe

6. Exactly Like A Virgin

5. Sistine Candles

4. Take This Job And Read It

3. Gettin' Popey Wit It

2. God Must Have Spent A Little More Time On Me

1. Papa's Got A Brand New Encyclical
:1orglaugh :1orglaugh

"I'm so unlucky that if I was to fall into a barrel of nipples I'd come out sucking my thumb."
Freddie Starr.

Yo mama so stupid she thought a quarterback was an income tax refund. :BangBang: :feels-hot *-

"How long was I in the army? Five foot eleven."
Spike Milligan.

"You're about as useful as a one-legged man at an arse kicking contest."
Rowan Atkinson.

gotta love the word 'arse' lol

Yo mama so stupid she put lipstick on her forehead :BangBang: :feels-hot *-

TOP TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER

10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.

9. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.

8. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.

7. Claims he paid you the rent "a long, long time ago."

6. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing "Darth Brooks" routine.

5. For once he could use Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.

4. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.

3. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."

2. Not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the barbecue grill.

1. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.

:Graucho :thumbsup

"I would never do crack... I would never do a drug named after a part of my own ass, okay?"
Denis Leary.

"Work is the curse of the drinking classes."
Oscar Wilde.

Yo mama so stupid she watches "The Three Stooges" and takes notes :thumbsup :winkwink: *-

Q. What's the difference between tampons and cowboy hats?
A. Cowboy hats are for ass holes.
:Graucho

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke."
Groucho Marx.

Q. What is the definition of a perfect lover?
A. A man with a nine inch tongue who can breath through his ears.

:1orglaugh :Graucho

:1orglaugh :1orglaugh :1orglaugh

LOLOLOLOLOL

Q. Why do horny women order at Subway?
A. Footlongs :1orglaugh :warning

"You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on."
Joe E Lewis.

Q. How did the gay break his leg at the golf course?
A. He fell off the ball washer! :Graucho :1orglaugh

"Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut."
Ernest Hemmingway.

Yo mama so dark that she can leave fingerprints on charcoal. :1orglaugh :Graucho *-

Q. What's the hardest thing about a sex change operation?
A. Inserting the anchovies. :Graucho :warning