"Blessed is the man, who having nothing to say, abstains from giving wordy evidence of the fact."

Paddy was trapped in a bog and seemed a goner when Big Mick O'Reilly wandered by.

"Help!" Paddy shouted, "Oi'm sinkin'!" Don't worry," assured Mick. "Next to the Strong Muldoon, Oi'm the strongest man in Erin, and Oi'll pull ye right out o' there."

Mick leaned out and grabbed Paddy's hand and pulled and pulled to no avail. After two more unsuccessful attempts, Mick said to Paddy, "Shure, an' Oi can't do it. The Strong Muldoon could do it alone, mebbe, but Oi'll have to get some help."

As Mick was leaving, Paddy called "Mick! Mick! D'ye think it will help if Oi pull me feet out of the stirrups?"

:stop Why does an elephant have four feet? :rasta

Concerning bagpipes: The Irish invented them and gave them to the Scots as a joke, and the Scots haven't seen the joke yet.

The Irish girl knelt in the confessional and said, "Bless me, Father, for I have sinned."

"What is it, child?"

The girl said, "Father, I have committed the sin of vanity. Twice a day I gaze at myself in the mirror and tell myself how beautiful I am."

The priest turned, took a good look at the girl, and said, "My dear, I have good news. That isn't a sin - it's only a mistake."

:girl Because it would look silly with six inches. :hi

"Once you eliminate the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth."

:rasta but sure looks better on a woman. :Grrrrrr

:BangBang: What do you call a woman who can suck golf balls through a hose? :GFYBand

"Black holes are where God divided by zero."

:cool-as-a Darling. :Graucho

david barnes has arrived

:karaoke Because they deserve them. :1orglaugh

:repuke Because he was stapled to the chickens back. :eyecrazy

:arcadefre How many men do you need for a mafia funeral? :glugglug

"I've had a wonderful time, but this wasn't it."

:321GFY Only one. To slam the car boot shut. :xomunch

:GFYBand There were four 80 year old men playing golf. One complained the hills were to high. The second complained the bunkers were too deep. The third said the holes were too wide. The fourth one said 'Shut up! At least we're still on the right side of the grass!' :hi

:rainfro Broken promises don't upset me. I just think 'Why did they believe me?' :mad:

:D A man took his wife to the doctors. After a short examination the doctor said 'Your wife's mind has completely gone!'. To which the man replied 'I'm not surprised. She's been giving a piece of it to me every day for the past 25 years!' :Hollering

"Mr. Wagner has beautiful moments but bad quarters of an hour."

:Graucho The graduate with a science degree asks 'Why does it work?' :stoned

"Manuscript: something submitted in haste and returned at leisure."

:girl The graduate with an accounting degree asks 'How much does it cost?' :Grrrrrr

"I have read your book and much like it."

what did I miss?

:NopeNope 'Was your wife a virgin when you married?' :thefinger

"The covers of this book are too far apart."

hopefully not much

"Everywhere I go I'm asked if I think the university stifles writers. My opinion is that they don't stifle enough of them."

:drinkup 'I don't know. Some say yes. Some say no.' :1orglaugh

that would be really sad

"Too many pieces of music finish too long after the end."

know what I'm sayin

:eatmouse It's ass. :girl

"Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung."

she makes me wanna die

"When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I've never tried before."

great song by tricky

:Hollering What's brown and sticky? :Kissmy

"I don't know anything about music. In my line you don't have to."

I like the idea of DRM

"No Sane man will dance."

a stick? :1orglaugh

"Hell is a half-filled auditorium."

:stoned What's the difference between a rotwieler and a poodle? :321GFY

"Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you."

:girl I'd cross the hottest desert :question

you're insignificant

:evil-laug You must have come from the shallow end of the gene pool. :ak47: